Posted by workinprogress on February 26, 2009, at 0:29:54
In reply to Re: it's a bit puzzling..., posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 18:49:56
Dinah-
First off I want to say thank you for your contribution to this board. I appreciate hearing your thoughts on a variety of topics. Second, I am so impressed with the grace with which you have handled people challenging you and a relationship that you have worked really hard on and that seems to mean quite a bit to you (even if you do forget who he is to you). Obviously what you say is true, you feel very solid in the connection and the work you did to get there. And your sense of self about it is solidly in place. All so impressive! I can only hope.
On the topic at hand... I would say it seems to me that you and your therapist have crossed into another developmental stage, that old shoe comfortable WHOLLY being yourselves with each other - including "hard" emotions, challenging each other, being HONEST, etc. It seems to me that the experience you describe is so very foreign to many of us that maybe it seems like it isn't "doing the job". If he isn't pushing your buttons you must not be moving sort of thing. I dunno... just a thought. I think your relationship is what I for one am striving for and it's a model for relationship IRL right? To be able to be fully yourself with someone and to feel accepted and honored for that... Doesn't mean there isn't still work to do, but it seems to me you've accomplished the big one here. I hope it continues to grow for you...
> Well, we're all different. My therapist isn't an analyst you know, and doesn't really do the analyst sort of thing.
>
> We've worked hard to get to this point. Very hard. There's been a lot of stuff along the way that wasn't at all comfy. A quick look at the archives would show the angst and pain. I'm not going to apologize for making it through to the other side. It may not be where everyone wants to end up, but it's working for us.
>
> I don't control anything. I ask for what I want. He might say yes or he might say no. I might accept his yes or no, or I might negotiate. We do lots of negotiations. He would be aghast if I didn't feel able to ask for what I want. He would be totally opposed to withholding it for the sake of withholding it or of exploring what I wanted it for. And I know him well enough, and am pragmatic enough, that what I ask for generally isn't anything that he's unwilling or unable to give.
>
> It's a different stage of a relationship. And a different type of relationship than one might have with an analyst. But it suits us.
>
> I always wanted to be a Jessica to him, and now I feel confident that I am. I am content and happy in our relationship.
>
> If others see that as my controlling him... Well, people can think what they wish.
>
> I believe it is literally impossible for me to feel anxious or uncertain about our relationship.
>
> He'll hurt me one day, no doubt about it. If I am confident in what our relationship is, I'm also accepting of what it isn't and will never be. He does care about me, but he's very resilient to the point of buoyancy. If it suits his purposes he will move or retire and he will be sorry to hurt me, but he will if he needs to. And he'll get over it relatively quickly.
poster:workinprogress
thread:881864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/882548.html