Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2009, at 0:04:25
In reply to Re: it's a bit puzzling... » Dinah, posted by DAisym on February 27, 2009, at 23:31:33
> Mostly I'm thinking that "we" as a group, if I can speak for the group, really care about you. So we question and worry because we want what's best for you. Clearly, you know what is best for you.
Wellll.... In this perhaps.
I told him about this thread today, and he was as happy as I was. He said that it was clear that these were no longer words I'd learned in therapy, I've incorporated them into my being.
When I told him, I said I thought it was something more than knowing something about the relationship. I thought it had something to do with believing something different about myself as well. Although I can't quite pin that down.
It's a funny feeling. I would never say that I was growing up. But maybe I'm growing. And getting stronger in some way I don't understand.
Forever therapy... Well, I'd still like it. And if my therapy is threatened I get as anxious as anyone ever could. But it's no longer the preoccupation it once was. As I feel secure in him, and dare I say it, somewhat more secure in myself, it no longer looms on my consciousness.
I'd say that even in a comfortable relationship, I'm clearly changing. Just with a different propellant. In fact, I think I'm changing much more than I did when I didn't feel as confident in our relationship. Although my therapist would say that the changes were taking place all along, and I'm just seeing them now.
He loves the story of the Buddha under the Bodhi tree. He says that the Buddha might have found enlightenment when he stopped searching, but without the years of searching, he might never have found it.
I'm not saying we'll ever terminate, but I've bought a print of that to give him if we do.
And given the realities of the situation, I can't really say we won't.
Do you remember when T3 told me that my therapist might move back to town, but I'd never be able to forget that he left me? I wasn't sure if it was a prediction or a curse.
Now...
I kind of think it was a blessing. Without learning in a visceral way what the limits of his caring were, and the realities of who I am to him, I would have never had the clarity to see how really special the caring he does have for me can be. Within those limits, it can be pretty darn good. If I stayed fighting the limits, I may have never seen that.
I do know that people here care about me. I really appreciate that. I occasionally wonder though if it's a problem for others that I share stories about my therapy, because I know that based on sheer number of years, it's in a different place than many - including mine a few years back.
poster:Dinah
thread:881864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/883011.html