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Therapy last night ******CSA Trigger*********

Posted by TherapyGirl on February 13, 2009, at 20:13:40

In reply to Anyone else think about it this way? *may trigger*, posted by TherapyGirl on February 11, 2009, at 16:28:05

On top of everything else, I had an extremely inappropriate sexual dream three nights ago. It is hard to express how disgusted I was when I woke up. I called and left a voice mail for my T right away, telling her enough so that we would be able to talk about it in therapy. I knew I would talk myself out of it the further away from the dream I got. But honestly, I was so afraid that there is some part of my brain that can dream something like that, that I had no choice but to confess.

My T is not all that alarmed -- she believes that the dream is parts of myself (and therefore not all that inappropriate, although I still can't see it) and that given the physical and emotional stress I'm under and given what we've always suspected is true about my childhood, this dream is not exactly a surprise. I told her it was a shock to me and that I've never had a dream like that before. She said something about it was because I was healthier than ever and dealing with this depression better than ever. I raised my voice and said, "WHAT PART OF THIS AM I DOING WELL????? I CAN'T FUNCTION, MY COGNITIVE ABILITY IS GONE, I'M SUICIDAL AND NOW I'M HAVING INAPPROPRIATE DREAMS ABOUT CHILDREN. WHAT THE F*CK PART OF THIS AM I DOING WELL?" She said I was going to work, that I was functioning more than I felt like I was, that I was feeling my feelings (which she always gets very excited about because of the whole I spent four years in therapy in total silence thing), blah, blah, blah. My own personal cheerleader. But I'm still in hell.

At the end of the session, she hugged me and, of course, I cried. Because that's what I do now. I cry all the time. I never cry and now I can't stop. I really am in hell. She was holding me and I said, "I don't want to be this person." She assures me that I'm not. I tell her I don't recognize myself and that everytime this happens, I lose part of my soul and eventually there will be nothing of me left. She says I'm still there. I said, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?" She said, "Because I've known you for over 20 years. I know you're there."

It's really never been like this before. I don't know why I'm telling all of you this. I need to just shut the f*ck up. But it feels like I'm vomiting feelings. I wish they made phernagan for that.

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:TherapyGirl thread:879490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879985.html