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Re: Therapy last night ******CSA Trigger*********

Posted by DAisym on February 15, 2009, at 19:42:41

In reply to Re: Therapy last night ******CSA Trigger********* » lucie lu, posted by TherapyGirl on February 15, 2009, at 18:41:32

(((TG))))

All of the things you are going through are so hard and my heart hurts for you. I suspect you are feeling flooded and overwhelmed by all of this because your unconscious knows it is running out of time. The looming retirement may be causing a crack in which stuff long buried is emerging.

One of the things I've been thinking about is who I am with my therapist's support, and who I am when I disconnect from him. When I can't *feel* him - I find myself fragmenting. I get easily distraught, and yet externally I'm holding it together fairly well. Inside my head, I'm screaming, "leave me alone. Don't ask me for answers - I don't have any!!" I wonder if a young part of you is so frighten at being left, you are beginning (unconsciously and in your dreams) to see yourself hurting this part of you. She doesn't feel safe. She doesn't trust you.

The other thing that this dream may represent is a big fear. You are not consciously afraid that you would ever be inappropriate with a child, but you may fear that you are capable of something really horrible, especially without guidance from your therapist.

I know it was hard to write about the dream. I remember a while back when I started to feel hugely uncomfortable around my son - I was so aware that he was becoming a man. Very reluctantly I brought it up in therapy. It was so hard to talk about - and to be questioned by my therapist about thoughts and feelings. I'd read so much stuff about family cycles and I struggle so much with my own guilt over what happened to me - thinking I caused it - I was wondering if there was a sleeping monster in me. My therapist says what yours did - "I know you" - and he felt strongly that my awareness and fear were about my own safety - I was being triggered. It was not rational, it was old stuff coming out in weird ways.

None of this is easy. I know you feel at the end of your rope these days. Try to take it hour by hour and find hope in the small things. I agree with what everyone else said about depression. It does warp the way we think.

And for what it is worth, at the end of this thread, I often think about suicide the way you do. I fight it as a disease in its own right - I think it is a seductive trap door, a secret way out - the end to my own pain. But I know that it is the beginning of pain and pathology for those I love, and most of the time that wins - and I continue fighting against it. I think you know that too - so keep fighting. It is worth it for them.

 

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poster:DAisym thread:879490
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