Posted by DAisym on November 13, 2008, at 0:34:20
In reply to Re: My therapist's message for Nine » DAisym, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 9, 2008, at 17:54:00
Hi Daisy,
What a powerful post. Thank you for your courage.****I don't know about courage. Feels more like whining sometimes. Other times it feels like stuff comes up and out all on its own.
Okay, so that sounds like fear of the unknown becoming known, which is a process you are only too familiar with. Best if taken in small doses, but life doesn't always work that way, huh?
****I keep saying that *this* is a stupid system - This being the way memory works. I keep demanding to know where these memories were buried for so long and why I can't put them back there. He has this whole speech about the psyche having its own time table and we can't rush it nor stop it.
This sounds like you are worried not only about the content of the memory, but about the emotional core of nine. Anger at who? yourself? the situation? nine? present-day-daisym? the offender? Sure sounds like you need a healthy dose of outrage...But maybe you're worried that you will lose control altogether? I think you are stronger than you feel. Out of crisis comes opportunity, etc.
******Whose angry? The adult is outraged - and the Nine year old is pissed beyond belief. Different parts are angry with other parts and Nine is angry with them all. She is super-mad at mom too - which is upsetting to most of me. The revenge fantasies from this age are scary, who knew I could be so creative? And the questions that are driven from the anger are crude and raw - like, "how did the parts even fit?" I make my therapist wince, a lot.
And why wouldn't you? Your whole life you have learned that dependence is frightening at worst and unreliable at best. Plus, the culture of America (the meritocracy, etc.) informs us that our independent success is the supreme virtue. Yeah, and most of the the folks with "independent success" are pretty lonely and miserable. It's okay to lean on others, and don't beat yourself up because you find it helpful.
******I was running the household by the time I was 11 - including looking after a 3 year old sister. And I was highly praised for this skill. So I worked harder and harder to do more and do it better - to rise above the nighttime shame. And you are absolutely right - the "independent success" is pretty lonely. And worse - the fear of finally failing is the worse kind of fear.
You put yourself in a bind too. 1) you are disappointed that you cannot put your trust in him. 2) you are disappointed that you need to trust him. What a pickle.
*********Yeah - a double-bind indeed. I think this is one of the reasons he pushes so hard sometimes and why he simply talks about our connection and his availability like it is expected and routine. He knows it isn't for me but he knows I need him too. He told me on Monday that he thinks one of the things I need from him is for him to remember - even when we aren't talking about it, he still knows.
Thanks for the support.
poster:DAisym
thread:861626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862735.html