Posted by DAisym on November 13, 2008, at 1:13:24
In reply to Re: My therapist's message for Nine » DAisym, posted by lucie lu on November 11, 2008, at 10:08:07
As always, I admire the courage and commitment you and your T have shown in confronting the demons of your past and pushing through to get to the healing side. You two really are amazing.
********Thanks. Like I said above, I'm not sure how much courage there is - it seems to like compulsive disclosure at time.
I also have an internal 9-year old as well as a 14-year old. I guess they would best be described as dissociated ego states each containing emotional content that I, the adult, have trouble dealing with. My T and I are just starting to really explore this.
********I've written about this before but if I hadn't actually experienced the age state feelings, I would have believed how powerful this can be. It isn't that I'm separate, but the feelings are frozen and so real in the moment. It is mind-blowing in some ways.
I don't think there were discrete traumatic events, as sadly happened to you when you were young, just emotional states that reflected painful feelings and periods in my life. What I find interesting is that I experience the 14-year old, the angry and rebellious one trying to deal with sexuality, as a younger version of myself. The 9-year old is hurt and despairing, very needy but alone, completely disconnected. So yesterday in session, my T and I were looking at how the childhood (9-year old) and adult feelings exist side-by-side within me but with no integration. I said that I couldn't hold both in my head at the same time and wondered why. After thinking a moment or two, he said "Let me ask what may seem like a silly question, but -- do you want to?" This was a eureka moment for me, and I practically shouted "No! I don't!" I said that I wanted no part of her and that I hated her vulnerability, hurt, and passive victimization. We didn't get a whole lot farther than that but will certainly return to our discussion in our next meeting.
********I say this a lot, "I hate *her*" - talking about some other part of me. It is difficult to feel sympathy and nurturing, especially for me because *she* didn't ever tell. And if she'd told earlier, so much would have been prevented. We talk about the victim feelings (hate those) and the survivor piece (don't like that label either.) I think we perhaps understand anger better than hurt in ourselves because there is some power in the anger and we feel helpless in the hurt. I think they are mixed - our anger carries hurt underneath and our hurt can emerge to anger if we flame it a bit.
Apart from the obvious connection, the two 9-year olds, I related to your post in terms of your T's phone message and his approach to Nine. I thought, how nice if my T would say that to my 9-year old, maybe I could accept her if he would. But then came the thought, "No! I don't want my T giving her caring and concern - he's MY T! She doesn't deserve him and she can't have him!" And I realized how very ambivalent I am, and how strongly I resist having her be integrated within me. After all, she serves an important purpose, which is to contain emotional content that I do not want to acknowledge or experience, much less own.
********We've had this conversation in therapy. I think this is one of the reasons I go a lot - there are so many things to deal with. Today the Boss really needed the session. Things are crazy and hectic at work and I'm overwhelmed. So we talked about that and the younger parts were quiet. But ironically, my therapist helped me see that as we talk more and more about the abuse, the part of me that needs to be perfect goes into overdrive and I take on more and more - because I can do it better myself and I don't want to ask anyone else to take on anything. It is amazing how it all ties together. And we've talked a lot about talking from age states. I told my therapist that sometimes I feel like it is cheating - that I need to own my history and be able to just tell the stories from me. it is hard though, because things still sit in parts and pieces.
Anyway, Daisy, I too found your post to be powerfully written and valuable to me in making me think more deeply about my own issues. I don't know how one can help being ambivalent when dealing with these issues or even in how we respond to our benevolent T's who are down in the trenches beside us. It seems so paradoxical but I hear this whispering voice saying devaluing things about him and me both for being in the trenches in the first place! It is all so complex and confusing. I wish you healing and success in your journey, and maybe I'll eventually find some too.
****I'm glad what I wrote helped in some way. There are times when I'm not really sure why I'm posting but it feels like it is too much to hold alone. I think that whisper you hear is society who wants us to just "get over it" or "move past it." I think we buy into this. I often question to the value in going into the past but my therapist usually asks - "can you just ignore it? Is it there, or is it here with us now?" Complex is a good word to describe all of this.
I hope you do find healing. I wish that for all of us.
poster:DAisym
thread:861626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862739.html