Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 9, 2008, at 17:54:00
In reply to My therapist's message for Nine, posted by DAisym on November 8, 2008, at 20:00:02
Hi Daisy,
What a powerful post. Thank you for your courage.>I think what I'm really afraid of is that the safer these parts feel, the more they will tell. And I just don't think I can take *knowing* anymore.
Okay, so that sounds like fear of the unknown becoming known, which is a process you are only too familiar with. Best if taken in small doses, but life doesn't always work that way, huh?
>And I'm terrified that the anger will get misdirected on to my therapist. Then what will I do?
This sounds like you are worried not only about the content of the memory, but about the emotional core of nine. Anger at who? yourself? the situation? nine? present-day-daisym? the offender? Sure sounds like you need a healthy dose of outrage...But maybe you're worried that you will lose control altogether? I think you are stronger than you feel. Out of crisis comes opportunity, etc.
>He tells me that the work right now is allowing it all to come out and to feel safe and strong in my connection to him. I work hard to stand on my own two feet and he works hard to help me see that it is OK to need others - not just him - in order to keep standing. I can see how true that is, but I fight it anyway.And why wouldn't you? Your whole life you have learned that dependence is frightening at worst and unreliable at best. Plus, the culture of America (the meritocracy, etc.) informs us that our independent success is the supreme virtue. Yeah, and most of the the folks with "independent success" are pretty lonely and miserable. It's okay to lean on others, and don't beat yourself up because you find it helpful.
You put yourself in a bind too. 1) you are disappointed that you cannot put your trust in him. 2) you are disappointed that you need to trust him. What a pickle.
Sorry that things are so scary and uncertain right now. The recesses of our minds are unfathomable, but still you are making brave steps. Sometimes it's harder before relief comes
Please take care of you,
-Ll
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:861626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861863.html