Posted by lucie lu on November 11, 2008, at 10:08:07
In reply to My therapist's message for Nine, posted by DAisym on November 8, 2008, at 20:00:02
Daisy,
As always, I admire the courage and commitment you and your T have shown in confronting the demons of your past and pushing through to get to the healing side. You two really are amazing.
I also have an internal 9-year old as well as a 14-year old. I guess they would best be described as dissociated ego states each containing emotional content that I, the adult, have trouble dealing with. My T and I are just starting to really explore this. I don't think there were discrete traumatic events, as sadly happened to you when you were young, just emotional states that reflected painful feelings and periods in my life. What I find interesting is that I experience the 14-year old, the angry and rebellious one trying to deal with sexuality, as a younger version of myself. The 9-year old is hurt and despairing, very needy but alone, completely disconnected. So yesterday in session, my T and I were looking at how the childhood (9-year old) and adult feelings exist side-by-side within me but with no integration. I said that I couldn't hold both in my head at the same time and wondered why. After thinking a moment or two, he said "Let me ask what may seem like a silly question, but -- do you want to?" This was a eureka moment for me, and I practically shouted "No! I don't!" I said that I wanted no part of her and that I hated her vulnerability, hurt, and passive victimization. We didn't get a whole lot farther than that but will certainly return to our discussion in our next meeting.
Apart from the obvious connection, the two 9-year olds, I related to your post in terms of your T's phone message and his approach to Nine. I thought, how nice if my T would say that to my 9-year old, maybe I could accept her if he would. But then came the thought, "No! I don't want my T giving her caring and concern - he's MY T! She doesn't deserve him and she can't have him!" And I realized how very ambivalent I am, and how strongly I resist having her be integrated within me. After all, she serves an important purpose, which is to contain emotional content that I do not want to acknowledge or experience, much less own.
Anyway, Daisy, I too found your post to be powerfully written and valuable to me in making me think more deeply about my own issues. I don't know how one can help being ambivalent when dealing with these issues or even in how we respond to our benevolent T's who are down in the trenches beside us. It seems so paradoxical but I hear this whispering voice saying devaluing things about him and me both for being in the trenches in the first place! It is all so complex and confusing. I wish you healing and success in your journey, and maybe I'll eventually find some too.
Take care,
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:861626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862266.html