Posted by Daisym on November 1, 2008, at 18:05:58
In reply to Re: Is this an example of a dual relationship? » rskontos, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 15:38:37
Jay,
What you are describing is classic insecure attachment behavior. Please don't read that as "easy" or that I'm in anyway minimizing your feelings. Being insecurely attached is HUGELY painful. I think more so because we can see what we are doing, and we want desperately to feel really good about being attached but all these hostile, angry feelings creep in. They are sort of like our built in warning system - but they also come from a place that wants to say to your therapist, "how could you let me love you? It is so dangerous to love/care for someone. Plus, I can't REALLY have you - so this is completely unfair." I think we test the attachment over and over again, in a bunch of ways until the therapist truly becomes an internalized object.
You should also know (sorry) that the more you bond with your therapist, the more grief and anger you will feel about not having had this (if this is the case) with an "other" previous to this. It is as if within the security of this relationship you are now free to feel all those warded off feelings. And the fact that they come up directed to the person you are currently closes to, just stinks.
As far as being intellectual with her, for me, it wasn't competition as much as it was fear that he would say, "if you know so much, why are you still such a mess." But my therapist once said to me, "I know I have to appeal to your head as much as your heart as we do this work. You want to understand what we are doing, and why before you will relax into the feelings even a little bit." I know for me, at least at the beginning of therapy, I didn't want to be too much trouble for him, so I was trying to find ways to "cure" myself. It took years for me to believe that it was indeed the relationship that was helping. I needed a witness, a mother, a father, a guardian, a champion, a teacher and a mirror, at various times and in various ways. (Don't you feel sorry for my therapist? I'm a bit much.)
It sounds like your therapist is totally open to talking about all of this stuff. But just know that it is what is being said underneath the words that provides the security and relief.
Hang in there.
poster:Daisym
thread:860125
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/860260.html