Posted by LadyBug on October 29, 2008, at 23:29:57
Many of you know some of my story. I don't want to post it but will *try* to give you a short version. I've been seeing my T for over 11 years. In March my young daughter placed my first grandchild for adoption. :0( It was and is the most heart wrenching thing I've ever been through in my life. The baby deserves a mother and a father and we did it for that reason and others. I separated from my spouse of 23 years at the same time I found out my daughter was pregnant. My parents were both failing during this time as well. I had my plate more than full!!!
Following the adoption, at one of the appointments I had with my T, she said "I think I gave you too much sympathy when you find out **** was pregnant until the time she had the baby". This ripped through my tender heart like nothing anyone could have said to me at the time. I couldn't believe my ears. She's always been so good to me. I told her my voice was paralyzed and I left her office devastated.I scheduled 2 more appointments with her a few weeks after that. I was hoping to gain something to help heal my heart of what she had said to me. She changed a boundary on me at the same time telling me I could no longer leave her voice mail. After 11 years it was ok??? It "muddled" our work she said.
The last time I was in her office was in May of this year. I told her I didn't know if I would ever come back but I was taking a break and didn't know if I'd return.
I sent her a letter in July, and didn't think I'd hear back from her. I did, she told me of her upcoming retirement in December.I've pondered for 5 months on what to do. I don't want to see another T. She cured me of that desire for life!!! I know the time is approaching of her retirement, in about 5 weeks or so. I've written journal page after journal page trying to sort out the pain by myself. I composed another letter the other day, meaning to send it and losing the courage to do it. It hit me the other night as I was pondering again that I need to go say goodbye face to face. I got up the courage yesterday to call and leave her a message to see if I could schedule an appointment. SCARY!!! She didn't call me until early afternoon today, saying she got my message this morning. I was worried I wouldn't hear from her, that would be my answer. I told her in my voice mail I was contemplating scheduling an appointment. She said I could have "my hour" back and could come next week if I wanted too.
She said it would be great to see me and she looked forward to hearing from me. I didn't return her call just yet. I have to be sure I made the right choice. Our "therapeutic" work is done. I have no desire to tell her anything happening in my world at the current time. I'm still trying to survive the loses I've had to endure this year. It's been painful, but I did it without her help. Her goal I guess was to turn on my at the lowest time in my entire life???I will think about what I need to do for me. No one else. She meant everything to me until she said that to me in April. The hurt, anger, hatred has been over the top. I've had weeks to work through it alone. I have let go of much of the pain she caused me, but I haven't quite let go of what she did. I'm sure I'd never get an apology from her. She never admitted to any wrong doing. Sometimes I wish she could lose one of her grandchildren so she can see how it feels. Only adoption is more painful than death. It was a decision my daughter made. We see the baby, but it hurts to know he's not ours. I wish my T could lose her spouse so she could relate to my pain. But that would never happen in her perfect world.
Sorry this is long. I've contemplated posting as I've been pretty low key around her for the past several months. Babble was here for me when I needed my babble friends more than ever. I got a lot of support here and I appreciate it more than anyone knows.
I'm really not asking if I should go see her or not. I've pretty much made that decision. I think I know what I want to say and what I won't say. I won't tell her anything about my kids, my grandchild who was adopted, my parents, my spouse etc. I guess it helps to write about it and know that some of you might understand as many of the people in my real life don't have a clue. It hurts me to think I won't have her available to me much longer and that after 11 years it ended with our relationship severed as it was. I imagined ending therapy in a positive way would be a wonderful experience. I would have peace. Instead I have confusion and know I must work through what happened alone. I won't go see a new T ever again. The APRN I see for my meds has told me I should be seeing someone right now but I won't do it. Therapy is hard at best.
If you're still with me, thank you for reading my novel..............
Thank you Babble Friends for understanding and listening, (reading)!!!I don't know how much longer I want to stay here. I know I'm not too active and don't offer much support. Doesn't mean I don't care, I do. I care a lot to what people struggle with. I offer my support even though I don't post much.
Thank you for everything! This is the best group I've found for therapy support.
LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:859858
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859858.html