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So scared

Posted by Dinah on October 12, 2008, at 20:09:57

I guess it's time to try desensitization therapy. My husband had been getting better, then started throwing up again. Unlike last time, I couldn't do what I was supposed to do. Maybe it didn't seem like something I could gut through for a night anymore. I ran away from home.

I did come home to pick up my son when my husband went to the doctor. And I'm glad he did go, because he needed some fluids. But the anti nausea shot didn't work.

Obviously this isn't fair to my husband or my son. So I guess it's time to do the unthinkable.

But how does it work? I've never really understood that.

I know the cognitive corrections, and they won't do any good. I know vomit won't hurt me in any physical way. I know I won't die from my fear. I mean, that's the problem, right? If I knew I'd die if things got bad enough, I'd feel much better.

My heart doesn't race. I don't have the classic panic attack any more. I guess I get quiet. The tension goes up and up till my ears ring and I turn bright maraschino red. At some point, for no consistent reason that I can see, I bolt. But bolting isn't always possible so if I can't bolt I endure. It isn't fight or flight, you know. It's fight, flight or freeze. Freezing is the worst. Paralyzed while fully aware in some weird way.

It seems like I've had plenty of exposure. School field trips. Stuck on a boat with my seasick brother. Stuck on a plane with my airsick brother. Stuck in a car with my carsick brother. Stuck in my bedroom next to the bathroom I shared with my brother, who threw up all the time when he was little. Then grew into a teenager who drank too much and threw up. With no way to get out without going past the bathroom. Down in the quarter. I don't see how any of that helped.

Does it really make that much difference if I don't look away or try to close my ears? After a lifetime of finding exposure horrifying, why will therapeutic exposure suddenly make everything ok? What is the difference?

I need to do this for my family. But I am so scared.

 

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