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Re: Is it awful of me? » Daisym

Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 10:41:10

In reply to Re: Is it awful of me? » Dinah, posted by Daisym on May 21, 2008, at 0:33:40

You're far more philosophical about it than I am.

There's that horrible cynical nagging voice in my head. And then there's the part of me that acknowledges the cash part but prefers to partially ignore it, yet can't help but be swayed by the cynic in me.

I don't know that it's an issue of self esteem or self worth. I have pockets of that, relating to my appearance or my social worthiness. But I don't think that's really it. When I was in really bad shape I didn't think twice about the money. And I do realize that therapy helps keep me out of really bad shape.

I feel so horrible reiterating this, because it just isn't socially acceptable. But my self esteem is really pretty high, in most areas. And in my basic self worth. Yes, I have been known to remove myself from photos in a rather extreme sort of way. Definite self loathing there. But that's all related to body (and face) image, and social acceptability.

I never think I'm undeserving of my husband or son, except in the most theoretical sort of way. And they're worth way more than the money.

I'm ashamed because my behavior with money doesn't live up to the high standards I have for myself. Standards that are built from my values and my respect for myself as someone who can and should live up to those values.

Sigh. I hate saying these things aloud. Internally they just sound like self respect. But when I say them aloud, they sound horrible. God help me, I like myself. I have many fine and useful qualities. I have areas where I could definitely stand improvement. I try to work on those, but often fall short. That's the human condition, which is of course no excuse. But I can keep trying. It's just this body I hate. This body and this face. And I hate my inability to fit in with others in social settings. I hate being weird, but only when I'm with others. But otherwise I'm disgustingly fine with myself, and pride is one of the sins I need to keep working on.

I do want him to care for me for who I am. And he does. I know the limits of that caring, and those limits hurt when I run into them. It's lopsided. I feel like there is no limit to my caring about him. How can that not hurt?

 

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