Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Talking about weight in therapy

Posted by Daisym on May 10, 2008, at 1:16:05

I know I've been quiet. I read but can't seem to stay awake to write coherent replies. I guess being injured is really taking it out of me. But it is more than that.

I've been thrown by all of this and I don't know how exactly to explain it - here, in therapy or even to myself. Because I'm hurt, I can't wear my heels. This means I can't wear my usual business wardrobe - because I don't have any "business" flat shoes. I have all casual flats - ug - all this isn't that important except that without my "costume" I don't know how to be in the world. I feel exposed and confused and mostly ugly and fat. There -- I wrote it.

And I said it too, out loud, in therapy. It was excruciatingly hard - and the conversations about self-worth, appearance, self-esteem, sex, desire and attraction have been equally hard. My therapist is walking a careful line and being really gentle. I mean, what's he gonna say? "Yes, you are fat and unattractive..." he can't say that. But he can't disagree either. He said what he thinks isn't important - it is how I feel about myself and why. But he did wonder why it was so hard to talk about - he asked if I thought I'd be making him aware of things that were hidden. I sort of laughed and said, "well, I'm sitting across from you 4x a week, so I'm assuming you can see the weight gain and how I look." But the more we talked about it and the more uncomfortable it was, the more I could see he was right. I told him that I didn't want to be rejected by him for how I look - as ridiculous as that sounds. Because my feelings for him are so complicated, I'm embarrassed by much of this. I swing from, "how I look shouldn't matter, it is the person I am" to "who do I think I am to have feelings for my therapist - I bet he is horrified at the thought."

He gently asked me if I'm afraid to create desire in men. I I *don't* create desire in men - I'm so careful to be neutral. I'm not a threat to women and men don't see me. He asked me if I'm afraid to feel my own desire - what happens if I feel sexy or flirty or attractive? That isn't how I see myself, at all. He talked about how some people who have a history like mine use weight as a shield - they don't want to attract any attention at all. I need to think about this.

I thought telling the abuse stories was hard. I thought talking about my feelings for my therapist was hard. I thought talking about my warped sex life with my ex-husband was hard. But nothing has been harder than this for me - talking about my weight, body, breasts (how do you feel when you show cleavage?) and what I wish I looked like.

I talked about quitting therapy last week. It is really painful and embarrassing work. And I want to feel connected to him but it is hard when I feel so flawed and ugly and well, you get it. Is this really something I can work out in therapy? I wish I was invisible.




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Daisym thread:828305