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Re: Talking about weight in therapy Daisym

Posted by Racer on May 11, 2008, at 9:39:28

In reply to Talking about weight in therapy, posted by Daisym on May 10, 2008, at 1:16:05

I haven't had the energy to read the boards lately, but this one jumped out at me -- I wonder why, huh? I also haven't read all the replies here, but I'll try to do that later. I didn't want to lose the chance to respond.

Warning: I'm feeling a bit challenging right now, so forgive me if that's not what you want...

You and I have spent time together face to face, so I might have some insight that comes from that. As you know, I am both taller and thinner than you are -- I can say that, but I'm shaking about it: "will her feelings be hurt that I say I'm thinner? Will she think I'm calling her the 'F' word?" Guess I'm nuts, huh? Do you find that makes you uncomfortable? That I am thinner? (And I do mean that to include 'that I am thinner because of my eating disorder,' not some artificial construct to make a point.) My reaction to my own history also tends to leave me wanting attention, and often drawing attention to myself, putting out "look at me" vibes, flirting when the opportunity arises, etc. (Although I probably haven't done much of that in your company, so that might not be something I want to admit...)

Anyway, what I'm asking is whether being around me is uncomfortable for you, because of the difference in body shape/size? What do you think that might mean, whatever your answer -- does it mean that your body image shifts according to environment (which mine does in a big way); or that you can separate head from heart and just meet my mind; or something else altogether? I just somehow got this wave off the post that is probably me, but I wanted to throw that question out there -- how does it feel to be around someone who doesn't shut those things off?

Mind you, of course I feel lumpy, deformed, don't feel thin, etc. And I feel pathetic that I want attention from me -- although, that's my reaction to my history, so an equally valid form of social psychopathology...

Now, here's a little insight into how others might see you -- you were shocked when I thanked you for lending me your fashion sense, remember? You think maybe you have a little distortion going on about how you might appear to others? Yes -- you are heavier than I am. It's not only that I've got my own issue there, and I won't try to pretend. I am crazy when it comes to weight issues, which I admit to. You are not fat -- I see what used to be called "pleasingly plump," and I would bet your therapist is right about you protecting yourself from attention that way. You are a very attractive woman -- yes, physically as well as intellectually. Sorry, but it's true -- you are very attractive. I think you'd have to gain about a hundred pounds or so to lose that -- and probably be conked over the head, too.

You're absolutely right, though -- you do not put out any sort of attraction signals, which is probably the real reason you don't get more attention from men. It almost feels like you put out anti-attraction signals -- a smoke screen so that no one will approach. I think that's the reason you don't get much positive reinforcement about your looks -- meaning even things like being looked at a little too long, not necessarily being approached.

I'm terribly sorry you feel this way, my little PetalPuss -- I have a hard time believing you can't look in the mirror and see that lovely face of yours. Of course, my mirror is my enemy, so I know that it's not about what's really there.

I'm sending you affection and a "distorted body/self image" hat. You can join the club, and I'll teach you the secret handshake when you get to the clubhouse...




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