Posted by seldomseen on March 29, 2008, at 5:58:47
In reply to Re: well » raisinb, posted by Daisym on March 28, 2008, at 21:06:08
" I ask because perhaps this is one of your therapy tasks - to trust that someone cares about you even when they aren't overtly saying it or showing it or even when they themselves are having a bad day or hard time. I know it is one of mine - to believe that caring exists even if it goes invisible sometimes and that relationships can survive anger, hurt feelings, mis-attunement and unmet needs."
Very well said.
This was one of my therapy tasks as well - to be able to absorb hurt and disappointment and still value the relationship.
Specifically, I had two related pathologies regarding relationships. One, when I perceived danger in a relationship, I would start piling ALL the perceived problems in the relationship into one big mass of reasons why I should hate that person (regardless of how much they meant to me previously). The second was, I would use those big reasons to get out the relationship.
It took a lot of introspection and a good deal of pain to realize that the way I handled relationships wasn't helping me at all, but was a vestigal defense mechansim.
It took even more work to consciously extend myself to my therapist and to keep stretching into and not away from the relationship.
He's let me down plenty of times, some of them I was sure were deal breakers, but a couple of disappointments here and there are part and parcel of any relationship. It took a lot of practice to develop the confidence that I could handle it.Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I am perfect at this - I'm clearly not. It took me years and years to hone my defenses, and it will take years and years to disable them. It maybe something I struggle with for the rest of my life I don't know. But therapy has definately helped.
Seldom.
poster:seldomseen
thread:820191
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/820472.html