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Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?)

Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 12:04:22

I tried to explain to my Dr. S how one of my alters makes me feel today and I cried. Why does tears make you feel so bad? I still feel bad. It was so hard to tell him why I want this one in particular gone. He doesn't think she is so bad. But I do. I asked him for help to maybe not banish her forever but to help me find a way to better control her, heck I have not control when she is around. So any control would be better. I just don't like how we behave when she is around. And it is out in social situations. Sometimes he or rather therapy brings her out depends on the situation and the questions being asked of me. She is my side from people getting to close. She is my wall. He thinks she is a good protector. But I still don't like it. It is not me. It is like an actor playing a role. After I get home, I get sad and I feel mad so it would seem to me that she and I need to get some agreement here. I avoid people due to this so I think it is a problem. It is also the feeling I am not in charge. I guess I am just feeling disconnected again and it is not a good feeling today. I feel weepy and that is never good either. I had more flashbacks and they gave me nightmares I woke myself up screaming. I keep seeing men I don't know and they are frightening me. I am a mess. But I act strong. I am tired of acting. You want to hear a really weird thing. I was in the middle of a flashback, my H said bye to go to work, and I felt my brain shift so I could say bye but the flashback continue and did not stop. LIke I could feel my brain working in two parts. Really weird huh. It did not hurt or give me a headache. And then the flashback continued like it was in pause mode and on it went. So I can maintain my dual life. The one of mom and wife, and the one struggling with DID/ and repressed surfacing memories.

I told my t told I wonder if I am not the alter and somewhere buried deep is the real me. Or maybe there was a real me. She was never allowed to really form and is just fragments. What if this is true. That is what I am afraid of.

And then we were out of time.......I hate one hour sessions.........





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poster:rskontos thread:819000