Posted by raisinb on January 19, 2008, at 11:24:06
In reply to Re: thoughts on this? » raisinb, posted by Dinah on January 19, 2008, at 9:49:40
Thanks for the feedback, guys. Dinah, I loved your analogy about rocking your son while you say something difficult.
Intellectually, I understand that a therapist's job entails saying things that might hurt sometimes--otherwise, how would we get feedback? But I guess I feel that it takes a certain level of trust in the relationship for a client to feel that the interpretation was made out of caring. My T and I just don't have that. I wish we did (and it might materialize) but we don't. And every time she says or does something that hurts me, I feel like it delays that happening.
I guess I'm not perceiving the "spoonful of sugar," either. To me, it seems like she often jumps in and interprets or (what feels like) criticism when I'm doing just fine on my own--being vulnerable, taking a good hard look at myself, etc. One of the ironies of the situation is that things she says are often insights I'd arrive at on my own, if she hadn't jumped in and made the interpretations prematurely, hurt my feelings, caused a bunch of angry exchange, and messed up the process. To me (and this is pure speculation, probably mixed with a good dose of negative transference) these hurtful comments often feel like an attempt to control what's going on in the moment and to make herself sound smart.
In short, no, it doesn't *feel* caring, no matter how she might *intend* it. It also makes me feel as if all her statements about how much she wants a good strong connection with me, wants me to trust her, and feel safe, are not to be totally believed. Emotionally I feel like if she did want that, why does she keep hurting me?
Also, I spent two and a half years in intense, obsessive transference (sometimes wanting a mother, sometimes sexual, mixed with hatred and anger and everything else). This is the first time I have felt like I maybe I *can* get over it, get out of it, and be free, that my life is just fine without therapist-obsession at the center. I feel great and I'm making some really positive changes.
I know that what I'm doing is resisting therapy in the worst way, and I know that a little bit of it is an attempt to punish her (which I'm not proud of). All we do is sit there with long silences, broken up by her questions, and my "I don't feel comfortable"s answering that. But emotionally it feels fantastic, like I'm suddenly taking control of the kind of hurtful relationship pattern I've been stuck in my whole life.
This stuff is all so hard to sort out.
poster:raisinb
thread:807581
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807608.html