Posted by antigua3 on January 14, 2008, at 18:29:27
In reply to Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 12:12:31
> I admit, I don't get it. I don't get the agonizing over T relationships that I sometimes read about here.
>
It's OK that you don't understand it; if you've never experienced it, it is almost impossible to understand. I've been in therapy so long, I don't really remember if I ever felt this way about my T, but I do know in the present day, she represents the perfect mother to me. Not that she's a perfect mother by any means, but she has shown me what a good mother should be like and she has stood up for me in times when I needed a good mother.> I would be curious: has anyone here ever had dinner and met the family of their Ts at their house, or vice versa has anyone's T been to your house for dinner and met your family?
>
No, but I wouldn't be surprised if that happened after I finished therapy. I have met her family and she certainly knows and has met everyone in mine. I would invite her to dinner now, and I know she would accept.> Sure, we share very intimate things with the T, but at the end of session you LEAVE and they LEAVE with the exchange of money for the service provided and each attend to their respective lives outside of that office.
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I used to believe this was true, and would throw it in her face at times, but for me, I had to get past the feelings that I was a paycheck, and once I did, marvelous things began to happen.
> I kind of see it as having a favourite school teacher; for the time you were with them they enriched your life and helped - they will always be special for what they did but you don't stay stuck in that grade, you moved on with the memory and specialness of what was learned and shared.
>
Have you ever gone back to visit a favorite teacher? I have and have become friends with them as well--dinner and all.> I know some will need or may want lifelong therapy, but even then I think it is important to make distinction of what that person is in your life.
I am very clear about the distinction of the "real" role my T plays in my life. She is in my life as much as I need her, and I know I add value to her life.
>I hear alooot of heartache here of T relationships, almost like relationships with a mother, father, sibling, lover, etc. And I just don't get how or why someone would allow a T relationship to get to that point or why a T would let it either. What purpose can that serve.
>
Well, what I've learned from my T is that yes, in the beginning--and possibly for many years or past termination for some--the T does play a stand-in role for others in our life. Our job is to have the relationship grow past that role because they can't "fix" what went wrong in our early lives, but they can model behavior and teach us to stand on our own, having gone through the experience of not getting what we needed to getting a version of it, and then learning to assimilate that into our new lives, and move on. It's never a replacement, because in going through the ugly parts of transference (which I'm working on with a pdoc), we go through the transference and then are hopefully able to resolve the original trauma. Resolving the initial trauma is vital and transference is a tool for helping some of us get there.> It really does bother me to see people in so much turmoil in what should be a healthy exchange - it doesn't sound all that healthy to me sometimes when I read of the heartache that goes on.
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It should end up healthy in the long run, but it's a long, hard, painful and emotional journey. The key is opening oneself up to the pain and trusting our Ts enough to hold our hand through the journey to the other side.It took me many, many years to open up, to trust, and it wasn't until then that my real journey began, and I'm so ever grateful to my T for her willingness to hold my hand when I asked, to let me say cruel things when I needed to and to pull things out of me that needed to be said.
I love my T and she loves me. I know because she has told me a million times. There's nothing wrong with that for us because we have a relationship that works for us. And I believe her, and in her, and always will. She's certainly not perfect, but neither am I.
just my thoughts on what you posted.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:806142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/806496.html