Posted by RealMe on October 27, 2007, at 0:30:11
In reply to Re: therapy tomorrow; will take the risk head-on, posted by DAisym on October 26, 2007, at 20:42:32
Thank you everyone for your responses. I think it went well today. I started out by talking about my performance evaluation that was okay, but not as good as last year. Unfortunately, It was because I missed 54 days of work last year for vacation and sick time. 6 weeks of it was when I did ECT. I was expecting my idiot boss to do this and was just thankful that it was good enough to get the highest percentage pay increase I could get anyway. Besides it is just his opinion, and he has always been a jerk that I try to be nice to
Then we talked about how I was afraid because my feelings from therapy are starting to intrude into my work, at least I am more aware of my feelings now like--saw a guy for something like a DUI who had ECT (only 4) in January 2006, and he is still having the exact same short-term memory problems as I have plus the word-finding difficulties. I also saw a women this week who has one of the most horrific histories and life I have come across---horrible physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, and it has contined plus she became addicted to heroin and cocaine. I think I mentioned these two people already. And then there is the last sex offender I saw--he is a guy in his 40's and his victim is 11, and so I felt myself feeling like I don't like this guy one bit. I did not let my feelings get in the way for any of these people, but I sure was aware of their impact on me. My T said my feelings about these people where always there but buried, and this is why I have been so depressed. I am simplifying what he said, but this was the essense of it, and he said it will get better for me as I can intergrate my past experiences with who I am now. So, I just need to be careful not to slant things one way or another.
I then talked about my feelings for him, my T, and this started with me first mentioning about how he laughed when I was saying last time that when I was younger I didn't get into drugs, I just went crazy. I was laughing too, and I wondered why he laughed at that. He said I have this innocence and impishness about me that is very charming. I asked my husband about this later, and he said this is one of the things that attracted him to me. Anyway, I am not remembering exactly what it was, I think just thinking about telling him how I feel, that I started to feel angry toward him, and I told him I was starting to feel angry, and I think because I want to push him away again. He was shaking his head yes, and so I told him that I have a lot of upset over how if I saw a guy who was attractive, and he asked me out on a date or not, I would have sex with him or get to know him so I could have sex with him, and then sometimes that is all it was. I said I don't think I have ever had a relationship with a man that didn't become sexual (other than therapists, of course). So then I told him I sometimes feel very sexually attracted to him, and it really upsets me because I don't see how I can ever feel close and trusting or like he said, that we would have an intimate relationship (on an emotional level). I said I just couldn't see it because everytime I start to feel close to him, I start thinking I want to have sex with him. I said that with my therapist at Menninger's, I wanted him to be my father, and so though it is not exactly the same, I thought it was similar, and he agreed. Well, there was a brief silence, and then, I can't remember his exact words, and I wish I could, but he said something to the effect that maybe I could now I could find out what it is like to have a relationship with a man that is different, that I could feel close without it meaning there has to be sex as part of that relationship. That's not what he said, but it was to say sort of that I am correct that our relationship won't ever be sexual, and from talking about this, I can come to see that not all men just want to jump in my pants, that I can share intimate things with him, and I will be safe.
Then, I told him I had found in my mother's things that I am still going through little by little, my kindergarten and first grade report cards. We did not get grades, but the teacher would write a summary of each quarter. So, he said "Oh wow," and said he really wanted to hear what was said. Part of the not so trusting me was thinkin, "Yah I bet you would like to know what they said." But I went ahead, and read about the kindergarten one when I had a lot of spunk that got squashed, and can be seen from what was there plus what happened with me being spanked by my kindergarten teacher. He felt I was in the right, and that felt really good. Long stroy. Anyway, I told him I was sobbing when I read especially the third quarter of first grade. The first two quarters the teacher talks about how timid and shy I am and that I am so shy I don't even want to read outloud in front of the class, and yet she knows I read well. So, she has the idea that I should read outloud at home. Little did she know that not only did I read outloud at home, I had it all memoriezed and would recite it from memory. Anyway, the third quarter, the teacher talked about how I was doing better and how recently I had saved a seat next to me for her in the reading circle. She said I had always shunned people and groups, and so I found this so sad. I don't remember being so shy then, but I got better in first grade and was fine in second grade, but between second and third is when the abuse started, and I was back to being someone who had crawled back into her shell. Whatever. So it was a good session, and he ended by saying that we need to keep taling about these things, etc. So, that is it, and I wish my day could have ended with feeling better, but it did not.
My husband and I got into a huge fight, and he was raging at me. He gets angry when it seems he tells me something, and a week later I don't remember. I told him I am sorry but I can't help it, that I am sorry I ever got the ECT. Once we were both calmed down, he said he did not like to be reminded that I got ECT because he was so opposed to it, and he feels horrible that I have been damaged by it. He thinks he should have been extreme or something and said he would divorce me if I got ECT. I said I think I would have done it anyway as I was so depressed. So, we talked things out. I asked him to please not get upset with me if I forget or if I have to ask him again how to do something, and he said he will try.
RealMe
poster:RealMe
thread:791461
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071022/msgs/791680.html