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Re: Trust meeple

Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32

In reply to Trust, posted by meeple on August 23, 2007, at 4:53:07

> Hey Muffled,

**Hey!!! :-) and thank you.
> Sounds like your therapist is very kind and compassionate and understanding with you. That must be fairly frightening if another human being hasn't really been that way with you before. Sometimes I think that when people respond to me like that it hurts more than helps because it just makes it more apparent to me that I really haven't had very much of that in my life. So, I guess it is understandable that you would struggle a lot with your therapist being so kind.

**I'm sorry you understand this :-(
> Shame is hard. I feel quite disgusted with myself a lot, and it sounds like you are too. Find yourself to be deeply flawed and unacceptable and damaged and repulsive in some way. One idea is that if our parents (or early attachment figures) aren't very responsive to us, or if they actively persecute us, then we grow up thinking that there must be something wrong with us. I wonder sometimes if that feeling will ever go away. Sometimes when people treat me kindly I just can't believe it. Can't believe that it will last, thats for sure. Won't take long for them to figure that I'm comtaminated and disgusting.

*EXACTLY. My T has worked w/me to try and prove false that I am a gross leper, and now I mostly beleive that, but.....there's atill a part deep inside, that still thinks it true. I can't acess that part.
I think its big thing for me, that makes me run away from T, I am afraid she will find out that I really AM in fact gross, after all her work trying to get me to beleive I am not.
I have started to read that paper you linked to. Its complicated, but I am starting to get it. I'm gonna mebbe take a copy to my T (ex T?) and I'll highlight parts, and then we can talk in abstract terms bout the paper and not about me. I can talk OK if I am in clinical mode and not talking bout me.
> Sounds like you have a lot of tender feelings for your therapist. That you think she is a lovely person who has tried really hard to help you. That she has been patient with you. And you worry that you will contaminate her or hurt her in some way. And so, if you really care about her as you do, then maybe the best thing to do is to back off and leave her alone so you don't hurt her? I wonder if the part of you that wants to avoid her and leave her alone is worried about damaging or hurting her. Part of the worry might be that you don't deserve her niceness. Another part of the worry might be that you will hurt her and so in order to protect her you think you have to back off.

**I am less afraid of hurting than I once was, but I still worry. I used to ask her regularly, are you afraid of me? But I don't ask her that no more. If I were to continue to see her, then mebbe I would get scared of contaminating her again. Part of me just DOES NOT GET????I mean ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT GET?????????????WHY????????????????? she persists in being nice to me. I just can't comprehend it. I just can't. It is beyond me. And yes, the longer she's around me, and the more she invests in me, then the more likely it is that eventually, I will hurt her, proly not physically, but in my leperous way I will somehow suck her dry or something...
> But... If you back off from her then that will probably hurt her more. I guess one could say that a short term hurt and failure to understand why is better than the long term hurt if you kept seeing her. If one has had experiences with the incompetent protector then it can be hard to comprehend a different ending where your therapist might be able to show you about competent protectors. It might be that your therapist is venturing out with you not having dealt with someone who dissociates so severely before. But then it might be that your therapist really cares about you and that that genuine caring is precisely what will be curative and healing for you.

**I don't think it would hurt her for me to back off, if I did it quietly....she's a very busy person....
Sigh....I read that last bit....and scares the crap out of me. Not sure why.
> I'm not sure how you will feel about this... But I'll give you a link to a page that has some really good articles. I'm not sure how you will feel about reading them, but the idea is that this is one way that treatment for your kind of condition can proceed. If your therapist feels a little lost it might be that she isn't so sure what is needed. The link might be reassuring to her because it might well be that it tells her (and you) that you are heading on the right track. And so... Persistence might well pay off in the end.

**yeah....she does alot of the stuff in the article you linked too. She seems to be pretty gifted at just doing stuff, even if she don't know why exactly....
> Anyway... I just wanted to say that.
> xxx
> Take care.
> Miss you.
> You and all the muffled ones...

**Damn, I miss you being around too. It sucks. But I'll leave it at that.
Thanks so much for posting this, I REALLY appreciate it, and I hope it don't cost you too much trouble with darn old Bob :-(
You've helped me lots y'know, and I have passed what you taught me to others, the ripples of goodness are spreading.




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