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ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers)

Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04

In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19

On chat, I said something that caught my thots...(and Falls')
It is interesting, the kid saying, she not gonna say NOTHING to T, so adamantly…
I can figger its proly about the T saying, ‘I’m here for you’ business. Rational adult has understanding of the reality of what that means, and of course is fine w/it. But kid don’t get it. She takes it literally, which, now that I think about it, DOES makes sense, cuz she IS a kid. I have SUCH a hard time grasping that concept. But I dunno how to explain to her that’s not the way it is. And mebbe it seems not fair, but T can‘t be there all the time, she has to know that, and know that T HASN’T dumped us yet (miraculously…), so she IS there for us, just not 24/7, that is just not possible(nor would I want it, we‘d get awful sick of each other I suspect!!!). Guess the other thing is that nebulous, ‘need’ thing that Daisy was talking about, kid wants SOMEthing, but be damned if I know what. Mebbe its goto do w/that gross love word. Yuk. Ewwwwwwww.

As for WHY I am quitting T...lotsa people asking...

I think T doesn’t know what to do, and kid is VERY sensitive to all vibes…so she don’t trust T.
T did try and talk to kid, but it felt awkward, cuz I think kid picked up on vibes from T that she was struggling. Cuz its new to T this stuff, and she game to try anything if it works, but kid picked up vibes and ran away.
Guess the other thing bout T is that she is good and kind and intrepid, but, if she don’t know, she don’t know. She is not God, not psychic, she a woman who’s had some training, a fair amt of varied experience, but not with a client as split as myself. She said so.
The other prob is she backs off at the slightest dissociation on my part. She seems to back off from my protection. I think she gets taken aback at it. I dunno really why she backs off so.
And I kept throwing PAGES of important stuff at her(faxes), cuz I wouldn’t talk, but I expect it was hard for her to reconcile the written words with the physical person cuz they SO diff. And there was SO much every week. Too much. And so so much stuff would never get talked about and would pass by. And we kinda desperately hit and miss talking bout stuff, and as ever I couldn’t speak well. And if it got tough, away I’d go to other lands, or rush off to the bathroom to curse myself into a safe place in my head. And sometimes my protection would turn on me, for being stupid and saying or almost allowing disallowed things.
And my T tried SO hard to try and set agenda at the beginning of each session (after spending 15 mins calming me down), but I get nervous and can’t think, so we finally started to go thru faxes…but too much info, we overwhelmed w/stuff.
So I think she was frustrated and me too.
We just getting bogged.
I won’t trust any further appaerently.
I too scared to hurt T.
I too ashamed of my craziness.
Guess I still kinda scared she will think less of me, though she says she won’t.
And ya, guess I scared of myself, of whats within.
I chickenshit
Time to quit.
She seem to think I’ll do OK.
Mebbe I will.
She's the one who suggested stretching out sessions to 1/mo.
But its SO hard sometimes.
Too hard.
And my sweet irl children are paying the price…
And hubby…
He sad that I am 1000 miles away…
Nother thing, I don't thin T 'gets' being afraid of physical contact and mating type stuff...I think she not totally comfortable w/talking bout it really, but that could be me, but she too much like a sister for me to say 'stuff' to her. I never talk bout that kinda stuff to noone B4. I never talk much of anything I said to T before.
Its all wrong and I don’t know what to do.
And I ashamed that T will be disappointed I not doing better. She worked SO hard.
And I don’t ever want to make her feel bad.
And I NEVER want to be considered a pain in the *ss.
And I esp. don't wanto be rejected by her cuz she knows some stuff bout me, and if she rejects me, then I AM a gross leper who should die then.
And there’s hurt inside but I dunno what to do w/it cuz I not allowed to have certain emotions regarding myself.
Sometimes I really wish I HAD shot myself…..
But mostly I am glad I didn’t, or my beautiful babies wouldn’t have been born.
So now I don’t consider it an option.
Cuz I want to goto heaven and see my kids one day.
So, as my T used to say...your not as crazy as you think you are,
and I'd say,
I think I'm crazier than you realize.
Does any of this make ANY sense????




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