Posted by DAisym on June 26, 2007, at 19:06:04
In reply to Re: But I'm OK now... DaisyM, posted by Honore on June 26, 2007, at 9:43:25
>>>>Your T is right about the struggle-- that it's to accept and feel trusting of your needs, and his ability to meet them. Trying to force yourself, somehow, to be less needy never works-- it's like fighting against the tides.
<<<I'm not sure how one learns to accept more than their own basic needs if they didn't learn this as a child. It is really hard to force yourself to not be needy, particularly in therapy, but sometimes I think this is the goal of therapy, to reduce the need for someone else.
>>>>>Fighting to reduce one's needs is a losing battle, and a self-hurtful one It's not so much needs that are frightening, per se-- it's the fear of what happens when those around us don't meet them, and even make them seem wrong-- overwhelming, irrelevant, stupid.
People can be destructive when they can't meet our needs-- either out of their own guilt, or annoyance, or lack of ability to give. Don't listen to the voice that says your needs are massive, because it's not really your voice-- it's the voice of others who don't want to or can't respond-- it's a way of saying, my non=response is good; your needs are what's wrong.
<<<<<I think there is a line where what we think we need is unhealthy or it is too much to ask of another. But I have no good markers that identify when I've crossed the line, and I'm so afraid of it, I stop 100 yards from it. I actually think my therapist would be happy to see me push it, at least a little. He told me today sort of what you said above - all my life I've "heard" from my mother "don't need me" because she simply couldn't meet my needs. And I was used a lot to meet everyone else's needs. I can see that. But my response today was, "but what if she was right - I am smart enough to meet my own needs, therefore I should." He shook his head and said every child needs to be allowed to need someone. And that someone is usually their mom. He was pretty strong about this and we talked about how I was as a mom. He pointed out that I'm comfortable being needed, so I do understand that it is OK, I just am not comfortable needing - it feels too dangerous.
>>>>Accepting needs is necessary before you can find ways to get them met-- not conscious acceptance, but unconscious. I'm sure you've done a lot along that line, without even knowing it.<<<<<I talked to AllDone about this last night -- I know me and how I think, and I feel I must understand what something is before I can accept it - I tend to think a need will be judged as bad unless I understand it enough to justify it. My therapist agrees with you - and he thinks part of me accepts that I have a need for him because I guard my therapy time and value it so highly. He always seems to see progress where I don't.
>>>>>I always pick the wrong people-- and I'm trying to learn that it's better to get some real needs met by someone who isn't my ideal, or isn't so "wonderful" than to hang around the "wonderful" people who ignore me, and don't have time or energy to give me even the time of day.
<<<<<Me too. :( In fact, I've arrived at the conclusion that my needs drive people to treat me crappy - so I bring it on myself. I'm trying to learn this doesn't always have to be true.
>>>>>Needs have always been terribly hard for me-- because I was always told that I was "very needy" and that I needed too much "attention"-- so I came to hate myself for being that kind of person.-- I still haven't come to that point of acceptance and hope about getting a lot of them met. But at least I've accepted my need for my T, and his being there-- I don't think I'm destroying him with my needs, because doing what he's doing meets his needs too-- he really wants to give me what he gives me, which is something that matters and is good for me. Which is why it works, despite sometimes having conflicts and disappointments.
<<<<<<I think I was horribly shy as a child to avoid being accused of wanting attention, and I really didn't want it. But I do want it from my therapist and I continue to struggle with the shame of wanting his attention. He thinks it is a good thing to want to be special to him, I think I'm being unreasonable. But you know what? I've never thought of our work together as meeting any of his needs - isn't that interesting? I sort of think of it as "he has to" but the truth is he doesn't have to. Hmmm...something to think about. I know he doesn't "need" me, but it would be an improvement to think that maybe he likes working with me? I don't know...Maybe that is where learning not to hate yourself comes in.
>>>>This might be a momentary retreat, the wanting to get rid of your needs, but you'll come back to the good fight your T mentioned, I know.
<<<<We had a good session today trying to sort it out some. I'll post about it. Thanks for the reply and for sharing. It helps.
poster:DAisym
thread:765069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/766018.html