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Re: But I'm OK now...

Posted by DAisym on June 25, 2007, at 20:37:49

In reply to Re: But I'm OK now..., posted by Honore on June 22, 2007, at 21:31:14

We talked about this today. He thinks I'm caught in the aftermath of the visit - the "thou shalt not tell and thou shalt not need" rules have been reinforced again.

Particularly the need stuff. I told him that I was protecting myself - insisting to myself that needing him is wrong and dangerous. I am wrenching myself back, before he shoves me back. He asked me if it was a healthy pulling back - do I really feel strong within myself? I said I wanted it to be but I really didn't know. Actually it felt like a control thing - I can't control him so I'm trying to control my own need.

We went round and round about the idea that one should become less needy "eventually" in therapy and that 4-years was long enough if it was going to happen "eventually." And if not less needy, at least the need should become well defined and back ground noise. This just hasn't happened for me. I don't really know what I need him for, I'm just terrified of not having that need met. I'm equally terrified that the need will morph into something hurtful -- can I drive him away with my needs?

As I was leaving, I felt small and young. "perhaps this is what happened," I said. "Perhaps, my need for my dad was so huge that he kept trying and trying to meet it, and then it drove him into anger and he tried to beat it out of me and then it all became too much and he ran away from me." He shook his head and said he didn't think so. But he could understand why needing him was so scary.

He insists I'm fighting against the wrong thing. He pointed out that I struggle to not need him, to deny the need as wrong or bad, instead of accepting that there is this need. He thinks my struggle should be how to make peace with needing him and how to live with the terror that comes from that need being met. I have no idea how to do that.

I feel like an insatiable monster. I don't want to use him up. I don't want to get hurt either.

 

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