Posted by Daisym on May 3, 2007, at 20:47:07
It started out with me just being extreme. For the first time, ever, in all 4 years, I didn't go to therapy on Monday and I didn't call. On purpose. I didn't forget, or get caught in traffic. I just didn't go. I sat locked in my office, watching the minutes tick away, knowing I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Boy did I feel in trouble. There was extreme fear. Because I wasn't even sure why I wasn't there. I just couldn't make myself go.
He called - twice -- "this isn't like you, I'm worried." The genuine worry in his voice made me cry. I finally called in (he answered - he never does that! So, I, being the mature person I am, hung up. But I called again later) and left a basic message that I was safe, just too full of anxiety to come see him. After a little more phone tag, we finally connected and had a phone session. I cried my eyes out and told him how awful the weekend had been and how suicidal I was. I told him that the thought of coming in and telling him how bad I feel (again) made me want to throw up. He said, "on me?" Which made me laugh.
So we've been working on this all week. What was I trying to communicate in my silence? The obvious answers are that I need him to really feel how confused I was and how abandoned I felt by my mother and my dad. I asked him, "what did it feel like when I didn't come?" He said he was worried and it felt crummy to not know what was happening but to just feel that something was wrong. I wondered if he felt angry with me. He wondered if I wanted him to.
Yes - I think I wanted him to be mad. Partly because I know how to deal with an angry person and his consistent caring and acceptance scares me and gets uncomfortable. His take is that if he is mad, I can pull away. And in this suicidal state, pulling away is more or less permission to not keep my promise to him about calling first. And he also thinks if he gets mad at me, I can get mad back. And he thinks I'm really mad at him for all the feelings we've opened up about my dad - now and then. There is so much loss in looking at all of this.
Yesterday I asked him why he wanted me to stay alive. I told him it was a serious question, because I know he hates seeing me suffer. He waited a long minute, long enough that I said, "I'll retract the question." He said there were lots of things he could say but that I had to find the reason inside myself, his reasons weren't going to be strong enough. I left upset, knowing he was right. (He did call and check on me last night because I was so upset.)
And then today - really extreme honesty. He jumped in right away saying that he'd thought about my question a lot and he wanted me to know that for him, it simply came down to, "I'd really miss you." He told me how important I am to him, etc. It wasn't about CYA, or his professional reputation, or any of that. It was about missing me, as a person. I said I felt like all I ever do is spread around pain and sadness. He said I just can't see the other stuff right now. I told him that I'd been thinking a lot about acting out on Monday and there were things he should know, because he might not feel the same way about me after I tell him.
I figured out, through some writing homework, that I want him mad at me, because I think he has a right to be for the way I feel and because I "used him" in a sexual dream. I couldn't read to him the whole written piece, but I did force myself to tell him what I was thinking. Because it gets all mixed up with how much power I think I have to turn people into monsters. People I care about hurt me sexually. I care about him. I thought about him sexually. What's next? And I am so ashamed of these dreams and these thoughts. So he should be mad at me for having them - I mean, who do I think I am?
He said, "I'm not mad at you. Why would I be? What is so insulting about being someone's sexual fantasy? It is flattering and it makes perfect sense to me - I'm safe, we have an intense, close relationship and this is an area that is particularly frightening for you. So I think of this as a good thing, even though I know it is embarrassing and hard for you and all that." He was really gentle and sweet and he said I do not have the power to make him hurt me ever - even if I could make him mad, which he isn't. And we talked about the intensity of my feelings for him and how they shift and change and then shift again. I ended up crying (again) and asked if it was still OK that I love him. Just like that - I said it, "Is it really OK that I love you?" He said yes, totally, he is honored. And he said he was touched that I could feel so deeply for him and trust him enough to tell him about it.
At the end of the session, we talked both about feeling suicidal and all this other stuff. I told him I was afraid that my need for lots of contact right now, because I'm feeling so unsafe, was actually, unconsciously, being driven by my need for his attention. He said he doubts it, given the material we are in the middle of, but even if it was, it didn't make it any less real and scary. And he said in the past when we've given these feelings the attention they need, they ease off.
So I'm sitting here thinking about this whole week and I find I'm actually trembling. Do you think this was too much honesty? Would your therapist freak out about all this? I'm terrified that on Monday he will have had time to reflect and decide I'm way too much now. And yet I believe him, when he says he isn't mad or upset with me. Sorry this got so long...I wish I had cookies and milk to share for reading it.
Thanks,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:755643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755643.html