Posted by Honore on May 6, 2007, at 14:22:37
In reply to Re: Extreme Honesty -- really long » Honore, posted by Daisym on May 5, 2007, at 18:27:45
Thanks for your answer, Daisy.
One other thought occurred to me, maybe you were partly testing him to see how he'd react, if he would get mad-- to see again, if he's different from your Dad. And maybe at the same time, you half wanted him to get mad-- to be like your Dad. That (your Dad's anger) is what you know, and it would confirm that idea one somehow has that what one had, as a kid-- no matter how awful it was-- is something we can't bear to give up.
What I realized in reading your post ( the second one to me) is that I need my T to get mad at me because my parents were so often-- almost always at some level-- in a cold anger, or in a state of such impassive indifference to me, no matter what I was going through- that it felt like they were beyond anger, and really hated me. They never said anything you could point to-- it was just the feeling around the house, and the sense that they were so unreachably far away.
Anger scares me, but at least I feel as if it's a way back to something real-- not anger, but the knowledge that someone can get angry because they care enough-- and can feel other things, that the anger isn't from hatred but caring.
It sounds, though, as if you need someone really patient and kind-- not that my T isn't extremely kind and gentle and sensitive too-- but that anger would be destructive and too much a repetition of what was really annihilating earlier.
I want to say, though, that it's hard to believe that you are suicidal, because everything you write is so alive and thoughtful and generous-- I can't imagine that other place you go too-- and I wish you didn't feel driven there by whatever it is that happened or happens.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:755643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756335.html