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Re: No, nothing ridiculous there. Sorry » Racer

Posted by gazo on April 26, 2007, at 8:41:31

In reply to No, nothing ridiculous there. Sorry » gazo, posted by Racer on April 26, 2007, at 1:40:19

haha.. racer, you're too sweet and funny. kinda like gummy bears. :oP

i was ready to post an apology this morning.. for being so childish about this whole thing. i acted out for some dumb reason.

you have a deal.. except i plan not to quit. i am going to tell him i was going to.. i want him to tell me i need to stay. i know that is dumb too, but i also have issues with feeling like i am just exaggerating my problems.. like i am just wasting someone's time. i spent 2 yrs with my pdoc.. all the while thinking i had "convinced" him i was BP and things weren't really so bad and i was wasting his time, blah blah blah. He was shocked and amused when i finally told him that. He started flipping through his notes and reading back things i had said or done, giving me ample evidence i had been crazy as a loon... and that he, with his MD in psychiatry, wasn't just deciding i was BP based on what i told him.. he watched me. Imagine. The year after that i gave up meds and everything and decided once again that i wasn't BP, he had made a mistake and i was just exaggerating. HA! i spent three yrs living on the river in egypt.. you know, denial? oh boy. i found out the hard way how little i had been exaggerating. i crawled back... tail between legs, whimper whimper.

i really don't want to go through that with this guy.. but i can't seem to help it. He says or does something, i mis-read and add my own messed up interpretation, i realise it and feel stupid, i freak out and decide i'm an idiot and should quit now before it would hurt too much. What am i on? round three or four of this stupid cycle already?

feel free to hit the bell and remind me what round i am in next time. yes, i am THAT predictable... apparently.

the writing thing was two-fold. it was about trying to see what the thoughts were..vanilla CBT.. but it was more about what happens when i try to share them with him. i hadn't anticipated he'd try to do that.. or how it would affect me.

i can write, i do it every day.. hence the verbal diarhoea here (that plus i have no job or life). Even writin about thinking isn't so bad... but writing about the thoughts when things start to spiral just flipped me out.. then thinking about giving that to him? well that fried my poor little circuits altogether.

thanks racer... i feel sheepish about this... baaaaah. but thanks for taking the time to care.

now, fess up on the calling your T


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poster:gazo thread:752985
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