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Re: calling a T... **mild SI triggers** » Daisym

Posted by gazo on April 25, 2007, at 9:08:28

In reply to Re: calling a T... and other ramblings » gazo, posted by Daisym on April 25, 2007, at 2:01:31

i smiled when i read your post... not because it is funny.. but amusing in a recognition sort of way. It's sad/funny to see myself in what you're saying. Seeing what you say gives me some hope that i can call someday.. someday.

He gave me an exercise to do (but he asked if a *little* CBT was ok..hahaha.. i had stressed how i felt about CBT). i write (no $h1t) so he asked me to try and write about what the thoughts are when i begin down the road that leads to self destructive behaviours, whatever they might be.. the idea is not about the behaviours just yet, the real exercise is whether i can give him what i wrote, then we can talk about how i feel about being able to or not able to.

so i tried.. and freaked out. :o( i'm such a dork.

writing about what i was thinking intensified it. Add in the possibility of him reading it... well, i was on my way to he11 in a hand basket and fast.

there is another problem. i can't even think about any SI issues.. it's not something i do often but it's impossible right now. Not an option. i have medical testing coming up and they would see. i don't **want** to use that as an outlet.. but having it forcibly taken away freaks me out too.

so in the wee hours of the morning.. 3 or 4am.. i was in full panic mode.

i wrote him a short note... without giving details above.. trying to tell him what was happening... it's nuts. Broken sentences, sometimes just one word sentences, rambling.

i am thinking of dropping it off any way, even though i feel ok now. Just so he can see what happened.

and i am ok today. no worries ok? It's a beautiful day. Clear, sunny... maybe warm?

i am applying for a job.. it's a crappy job but it's a job right? i can always keep looking for a better job.

thanks for bothering to read this far.

much love and peace


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