Posted by wishingstar on December 20, 2006, at 8:58:45
In reply to not connecting with T (long), posted by wishingstar on December 19, 2006, at 16:03:30
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
I guess first of all I just want to make clear that I know it's mostly about me, not about her. She's not doing anything wrong - in fact, she probably couldnt be more supportive and sweet and caring if she tried. Like the offering a phone call over Christmas, when its only a 1 week break anyway... in the past I definitely would have gotten the warm fuzzies from this. Now I'm not. That isnt her fault obviously. It's me.
What I dont understand is the pattern, or how I got myself into this. If it's a pattern, I think it's a new one. I dont remember feeling this way with any T (or anyone else really) before Anne. It started with Anne and I got myself so worked up trying to fix it, when she really wasnt able to meet me where I needed to be, that now my radar are up. Maybe I'm just not trusting or opening up to anyone because on some level I'm convinced it doesnt matter (I dont actually feel that consciously, but its my best guess). I think I want her to pull it out of me, but I know that isnt her job or even particularly helpful. It's possible that I have set myself up for this, but I just dont know how. Therapygirl, your comment about possibly setting myself up to make things turn out better has made me think. I wonder if I'm not trying to MAKE her into Anne, just to fix it again, and see if shell withstand it and come out "good" in the end. That just struck me, but it seems very possible.
Pegasus, thanks for sharing your story with me. I think you made a really good point, one that I hadnt really considered yet. I really thrive on emotionally intense relationships, in therapy and otherwise, and I really really want my Ts to care about me and like me. I yearn for that deep connection, and it has probably gotten in the way before. For instance, had I not been so stuck on that, I probably would have left Anne a long time before it ended. I'm going to try to keep your perspective in mind when I am feeling disconnected. It's okay to feel that way if the work is good. And Ginny definitely knows her stuff.
Toojane, thanks for your post especially. For some reason, it really clicked for me - just the way it was worded. You're right. I need to at least tell her all this and give her a chance to react before I do anything else (quit therapy). What's the worst that can happen? If nothing else, it'd be practice for me in being open and expressing feelings, which I'm terrible at.
I see Ginny tomorrow morning. I am going to try my best to talk about some of this. Can someone on here ask me about it tomorrow? I know that sounds weird, but a little accountability might help. Of course you dont HAVE to.
If I'm not able to, I'm going to ask her if I can send her a letter/email over christmas and tell her these things. That way it's out there. The longer I wait, the harder itll get and the more frustrated I'll be.
You all always have the best advice. Thank you.