Posted by wishingstar on December 19, 2006, at 16:03:30
Well its only been 3 days and I'm back. I figure I'm going to be just as big of a doufus regardless of whether I'm posting or not, and there's no reason to stop posting just because of that. No need to try to talk me out of thinking I'm an idiot right now though... I'm in extra high gear-self hatred mode right now. It's fine.
For those of you who have had bad experiences with a therapist in the past... how do you move on? I've asked this question before regarding my experience with Anne, wondering how to let go of the hurt, the anger, etc... but I'm wondering something different now.
I find I am not connecting with Ginny at all. She is very smart, asks the right questions, but I'm just not connecting with her. I imagine its partly because I'm holding back so I dont get hurt again after my last experience. Have any of you dealt with this before? How did you handle it?
It's been about 2 months, maybe a little more, with Ginny now. And I'm starting to get a very scary feeling. She's starting to remind me of Anne. Not in regards to the "termination" or abandonment.. she actually just told me today that I could call her over Christmas and shed call back. That feels very good (although I dont get the warm fuzzy feeling I wish it gave me). More in regards to the feeling I have when I leave. Today after I left the office, I sat in my car and cried, not because of anything we'd discussed, but because I'm hurting so bad and there is so much wrong, and I just didnt feel like any of it was talked about or heard. It isnt that she missed it.. I wasnt really clear that there were bigger things to discuss, and she generally "picks a topic" if I dont lead into one. I cant blame her for that. But I feel like shes missing the real me by 5000 miles. I used to feel this way almost every session with Anne (although with her I think it was mostly her missing the point, not me leaving things unsaid). I dont think shes like Anne at all... but for some reason, I seem to be playing out a pattern that I got into with her.
I guess it feels like there is just no reason to go to therapy. I feel like I'm talking to a friend. It's never uncomfortable or particularly hard, except when she asks me about my sex life haha. I WANT it to be hard.
I just dont know what to do. It's not as easy as "tell her what it is shes missing" because I cant say exactly what that is. Sometimes it just feels like she is missing the pain altogether. She knows how bad it is.. I know she does. I guess I just dont feel supported. But shes never given me a reason not to. It's that lack of connection I guess. I am tempted to just quit therapy. I know it's mostly me causing the problems. I know they say it isnt possible, but truly, I dont think I do therapy right. I have to be willing to throw more out there before anything will ever help.
***minor SI trigger***
I SIed for the first time in about a year on Sunday. It was minor, but still. I did tell her that today. She was visibly unhappy about it. Supportive, but I could tell she wasnt happy. I feel like a bad little girl. But what else can I do? I told her today... it's not that I cant make it through my days without SI anymore, its just that I cant make it through without SOMETHING. I just cant.
So in conclusion.. Can any of you suggest ways to deal with the history anne has left me with in relation to my current T? How to move on and do good therapy after that? How to feel more connected? How to deal with any of this?
I know I need to talk to her about this. I guess I just feel like shes so sweet, and so friendly and lively, I'm afraid I'm breaking some unspoken rule with her. I know she wouldnt agree with that. But that's how it feels.
poster:wishingstar
thread:715051
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/715051.html