Posted by kerria on November 7, 2006, at 11:19:26
It feels like i can't go on because of the hurt and self hatred inside. i feel so so bad.
at another forum people are comforting and giving themselves hugs for saying mean cruel things to me- how much i frustrate others because their advice is impossible for me to do. HOW MUCH i frustrate myself.They can forget it and never talk- never write to me again but i'm stuck with myself and parts 24/7
There isn't communication still- enough to function in the world.
It hurts so much- people misunderstood so much what is happening- why i can't do things like divorce my h and get a new T and - i'm trying actually to get a new T but love h-and need h and parts are so untogether so much in disagreement with whatever i do all the time.people posted a long thread that had nothing to do with me. tears
they jumped me
tears
i'm so hurt by them and by the attacks
and so hurt that i'm so stuck and can't change because i can't communicate with parts.Their anger shocked me- i feel so bad that i wish everything could stop.
tears
that forum was the place where i shared innermost things that i don't even tell T- to be so misunderstood and rejected and have some people so happy at being so mean and hateful - only to hurt me- today they're giving each other hugs- saying it's ok- it's ok to hurt someone How could they be helping me? i already agree with everything that i wrong with me- knowing what's wrong doesn't help. tears. i can't go back- they suspended my account- for no reason but that i was too upset at the negative comments.
then later reinstated it- but how can i go back? How can i go on? i feels so so bad. no one can help me- i found no one to heelp communicate with parts.
i don't want to live anymore. Everything is too painful physically emotionally. i just received disability- what my thread was orinially about in the first place- and the benefits make it impossible for me to go to therapy twice a week. That was my goal.
i will only get $115 a month. medicare disability will only pay for 50 percent of therapy- and how could i come up with the rest? my h doesn't agree in therapy- thinks i have a demonic problem, doesn't think t would help.
tears. it hasn't helped.
i don't think i will ever get better and hate myself for being like this. Other people do too- all my friends - except for two- feel good about jumping me there and saying so many negative things.
i'm so tired of fighting so hard to have no one notice- struggle to work pt and have everyone critical- i can't get there on time. forget so much , switch so much i look like i don't know what i'm doing- i don't know what i'm doing. tears. That's my problem.
Don't say anything critical-please- i already know i'm a mess- i already know more negative things than you do about the way i think and live. i can't stop it- it's parts of myself i hate more than anyone- i can't communicate or change it yet. maybe t twice a week would help- with the right T. maybe nothing will ever help like h says.
All the criticism doesn't help- i already agree- i already can't live with myself. why can't people understannnd the just because you know something is wrong- i'm stuck in this helpless hopeless mode that frustrates people- it doesn't mean i can change it and it doesn't help to hurt me more than i already hurt. i lost or am losing everything that matters to my life and my friends - most of them jumped me - said one negative after another- making up lies and saying the worst things they could think of. Then today they ccomfort each other- it's ok to be so mean- i deserved it why? because i can't communicate with my parts yet.
tears.
i hate my life so much.
i can't even afford t now- how can i possibly afford t with 115 per month? and a small paycheck if i can manage to switch tto ggo to work? even if a T took medicare they only cover 50%
why is the government so unfair? i only applied for disability because i needed therapy twice a week- It's Still not possible. seven years once a week made me so disfunctional- so disabled.
tears,
kerria
poster:kerria
thread:701225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/701225.html