Posted by ElaineM on November 5, 2006, at 23:40:06
In reply to Elaine, posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:41:28
Sorry. I'm back around. I'm really ill. I saw the female "full-disclosure" doctor on Tuesday. My T forced me to even though she had asked me not to come back for a month. It was that or he would make me go to the ER. She was so concerned. I can't eat or drink. I'm so thirsty. (Other stuff too but not the best subject) She called the specialist when I was getting dressed and said he had to see me asap. They called my home, and the earliest he could have me in is this Tuesday (and then he goes on vacation). I've been focusing on riding out the weekend. I don't want to go to the ER without getting this guy onboard. But I'm barely hanging on. I'm so afraid. I'm terrified of the hospital (since all the stuff that happened last year). But I'm hoping he will admit me after our meeting cause I just can't take it anymore. I can't do it. The pain is so bad. It wakes me from sleep. I can't sit. I have stabbing pains in my upper legs. I don't understand. I'm afraid.
Two Thursday's ago I had a breakdown of sorts on here. I ended up contacting a helplady/community-thing the morning after and she returned my message. I had an apointment set up then for this past week. I had been hinting at it here, but was too afraid to announce it incase I chickened out. I didn't want to just have more sh*tty news that's been so typical of me. But I knew that it was toss-up as to whether I'd be brave/desperate/whatever/healthy enough to drag myself there.
I went. It wasn't what I expected - hippie-like and laid back. The young woman (grad student?) was very nice though, just not what I expected. She even asked me what my sign was at one point. But I told her everything, pretty much. She said he was definately being abusive, even if we hadn't slept together, or anything like that. She said that regardless of his problems, he's been trained to recognize when he's in trouble and should've initiated a help process for himself. She said he's expected to know better. I could not make her understand that he doesn't *know* he's doing this. But she did understand how I need help with my health being so poor. Basically she asked if having someone to be (though she said "seem")available when I'm sick, is worth the cost of the mental turmoil and my heart. And I thought about it and said Yes. I told her that if you're not in this position then you can't understand. But there's no question the answer is Yes. She looked sad and said that she probably couldn't know how terrifying it is to not have your health and mobility to draw upon. I told her that I may have had a different answer if I was well, but I don't have enough to gamble with right now, especially without another T helping.
She told me that the free therapist's they send people to were full but I could go on a wait-list if I wanted. It could take several months. I figured as much. She wrote down some numbers that I already had - T's colleague works at one! She said the "call another one" broken-record line. I nodded and said thanks but was already starting to cry. Oh, she also told me that really no one would let this slide if I ever mentioned revealing information (name, practice address, co-workers...). She agreed that it's too bad that board regulations seem more important than helping an individual person. Why is getting him in trouble more important than me being able to talk to someone freely? She was lovely and soft spoken and kind. She talked to me for two hours - it was mostly taken up with me blabbing a long, short-recap of the past few months. I even brought in his latest journal work that he gives me to comment on, but I didn't take it out of my purse cause I was able to say it all without help. I thanked her again and told her that I would be fine, that I didn't even know why I had come in the first place, that it is always better to be loved and I'm stronger than I often think. But she knew what I was doing and told me I didn't have to say that. I'm a broken record too :( I told her that I knew not to expect much going into the day, but that I think I had just wanted to talk to someone else for even just a little. And I went home.
So that's it. I'm all alone with this. There really is no one. My words will always push people away. But I'm not frantic about it now. I tried as much as I could but something doesn't just come into existence cause I need or want it. I'm done with trying. I'm just going to do whatever's called for, and I will be alright in my head. And I will give myself to the specialist and hope for the best. I'm terrified but it's like it's frozen under a layer of me. I don't feel like I care anymore about much. I just want the hours to move faster cause I can't stand being in agony for so long. :"( This weekend has felt like an eternity. Sorry if this was robot sounding, writing is hard, but I can't only post tear-faces, can I. And you guys asked, so I'd want you to know stuff.
[you three are dear for asking, (((hugs))) to share]
poster:ElaineM
thread:699952
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/700826.html