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hospital fear/phobia? ****trigger » MidnightBlue

Posted by ElaineM on November 6, 2006, at 21:00:46

In reply to Re: body and head stuff » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on November 6, 2006, at 16:48:17

MidnightBlue, I think I will go on the list eventually. It's not gonna get any shorter.

The thing about hospitals, I think I've touched on it here and there. Two months before I reached my termination date with LadyT, a family member I was *very* close to (someone who made childhood happy whenever they were around) died a hard death from cancer. The month before I left her, another (but not *as* close) died. Four weeks after my last session an extended family member died. Alot of time was dedicated to death-stuff then.

Last year I helped with palliative care for my grandma following her around from rehab hospital to the regular one where she died.

THree months later my grandfather took to the hospital and one thing kept snowballing into another (he was very old) and he had a stroke there and he became paralyzed on one side. I had to take care of him (my mother was also there, but wouldn't get involved emotionally), like body stuff (he couldn't stand or hear out of one ear or speak). Not long after he became suicidal and would rip out his tubes, cathetars, IVs... The hospital wouldn't pay for a professional sitter so we had to do alternating round the clock shifts. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Teaching myself to empty tubes, reattach stuff, when the ward was virtually abandoned at night. We couldn't sleep. You blink your eyes for two seconds and a tube would be out - and then another re-insertion, another trip up to xray. He wanted it so bad that you had to be hyper-vigilant every single second that you were "on duty". Anyways, I'll cut out more graphic stuff. I walked in one morning with my mother and we found him ....I'll just say dying. I can't describe the stuff I saw and heard. I remember running out into the hallway yelling for help. A woman visiting her mother a few rooms down came out and started frantically searching for staff for us. I can't explain what I felt like - my body was electrostatic one second, and the next thing I was lying wretching on the floor, unable to summon control of my muscles. Anyways, we found out that a tube had been inserted incorrectly (wasn't checked by xray). He couldn't communicate and so couldn't explain the pain he was feeling and.... it lead to a pretty brutal death. That's why I'd do anything to make sure I have someone reliable to speak for me, and stay with me, and be treated with more respect by the staff.
The nurses were having a going away party for a co-worker down in the lounge at the end of the wing while he was dying alone. :"( ....They said they had checked everyone before they went....but the timelines don't match up......

This past April an aunt also died from a brutal battle with cancer. This had all been in the past 2.5 years. I was already afraid of doctors before but now certain sounds and smells give me flashbacks. They wanted to diagnos PTSD at first. I didn't want it for some reason. I'm sure I'd go mad if I had to stay in the hospital. I've only seen people be mistreated and die in there. They'd at least have to load me up on tranqs. I'm having a hard time communitcating the extent of how much I fear the hospital. Plus, interms of my own conditions, my faith in the medical profession has been absolutely, completely, destroyed. So that's my long-winded response [sorry <:) ]

I'm sooooooooo terrified of tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm gonna tolerate it. :"( I can't imagine it. I'm so afraid. :"(

thanks for listening, blove EL




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