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Re: ... i got a referral, though...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2006, at 1:12:49

In reply to Re: ... i got a referral, though... » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on October 15, 2006, at 0:02:14

> it's great that you hung in there and got good info from her. I'm sorry it was so difficult, and I'm not sure why she needed to do that.

thanks. i'm not sure either. i think she was being kinda jokey. i kind of... apologised and explained and then she softened. probably i came across as all business like like i was trying to negotiate a cheap rate just because i could or something. i guess i was thinking that i didn't want to waste my time explaining if she didn't bulk bill. but i guess that came across and so she got to thinking 'why should i waste my time on someone who is negotiating $$ straight after introducing herself?' but once i explained about the health care loop she understood where i was coming from. i have to ring the guy tomorrow. bit scared about that. okay... a lot scared. i'll do it though...

> I would imagine that would be very difficult.

yeah. i have a bit of a tendency to swing between 'there is nothing wrong with me' and 'i'm so f*cked up i want to die' too... and when i've been well for a while i forget how hard things can get at times... but then when things aren't going well i have a tendency to forget how good things can be at times... sigh. sometimes it freaks me a little though... just when i think my mental health issues are all in the past and i'm moving on satisfactorily it is like i just crumble from within. just crumble. lose myself completely... so completely...

> I'm sorry your friend let you down.

yeah, me too. he should have known better. actually... i'm very surprised that he didn't know better. maybe he did know better. part of me wonders... if he was playing with me... to see what i would do... still hard to know... still hard to know... but boundaries yeah. i'm surprised though... he is a professor over in med. does stuff with mental health. he has talked to me before... and i've talked about some of my stuff. just a teeny tiny little bit. and he was really great with that. really very terrific. i thought i could trust him. but i guess... we are friends really. friends. and... my mistake. i was seeing him more as a father or a supervisor (which he could have partly been) or a doctor. yeah. feel a bit disillusioned... but yeah oh well... there are limits in friendships i guess. i know something of the limits now. maybe he was trying to teach me something of the limits. or maybe... more likely he was simply unthinking. i said (at some point) please don't take advantage of me. not the most assertive thing to say... he started talking about how maybe i was taking advantage of him. anyway... limits on friendship. assertiveness. joking. it is amazing how assertive you can be with joking. i have a tendency to... go cold. go numb. wish myself out of existence and just sit there... let things happen... lose time. but i pulled out of it. we are on good terms. but... dammit... dammit dammit dammit. i have so much to learn. i guess... in all honesty... it is probably to talk about sex stuff with girls huh. geez i hate myself sometimes. probably he was wondering 'why is she telling me this???' and go the wrong idea. really got the wrong idea. i was talking to him because i trusted him. and because... the others can't keep their mouths shut (i don't think). i don't trust girls because i've had the experience of girl gossip. probably he doesn't know that. and got to thinking... 'why is she telling me???'




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