Posted by ElaineM on July 7, 2006, at 15:59:47
In reply to Re: I took a small piece of advice » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on July 6, 2006, at 21:08:32
Hi Midnight: When I went to my session, after my doctor, I had the biggest urge to tell my T everything. The weirdest, jumpy, skin-crawling compulsion to tell him where I had just come from, and what we had been talking about. Sometimes I want him to get angry enough to hit me. I really want him to. I don't get it. I'm sick. Sometimes I get confused that he is the same person that I worry about so often. I didn't say anything though. And this was the first time in months that he didn't even touch me once! Almost as though he could tell. (I know he really couldn't, but it felt like it)
I don't have any plans since school's done. I can't work, due to this other thing. (I can barely drag myself through an entire day) Actually, one thing I've been going over and over in my head, and I don't think I've posted it before, is that he recently offered to give me a few thousand to go back to school (if that's what I wanted.) As payment for the work I do. I've been trying to ignore the offer, just cause I feel like it's such an unfair situation to put me in. School means having my doctor back. (Which is the most important thing in the world to me, and my illness) But I also have the worry that I would feel like I was bought. (though he would never put conditions, or expectations, along with his gift) He's really generous, and wants me to be able to still have one of the only bits of comfort in my world. It's terribly hard. I know I won't accept it, but it just makes me even sadder -- as though I've lost my doctor twice.
Nice to hear from you. EL