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I took a small piece of advice

Posted by ElaineM on July 5, 2006, at 17:00:27

Hey Everyone, My life (outside of T) has been kinda spiraling lately - family issues, and suicidal impulses in relation to my medical condition. Anyways, I had a flare up and a breakdown two days ago, and was dangerously desperate. I decided to take some of your advice and I called up my physician's office and started bawling on the phone about how I needed to be seen the next day, because I had missed my last appointment. I've never done something so bold as to demand a time slot! (although maybe it doesn't count if I had to be crying at the same time) It's not that big a deal in reality, but for me it is huge.

The woman squeezed me in today and although my medical stuff couldn't be helped (I'm pretty much resigned to that) I started mentioning what happened the day she didn't show - how I ended up making an appointment elsewhere to talk to someone about professional regulations and confidentiality... I started hinting at what "policies" the other T and I were concerned with and she began probing a little.

So now she sort of knows the gist of what I wanted to say to her, and she said, as far as she knew, no name from me, meant no mandatory action on her part. She even asked me to read her the silly papers (I still carry around in my purse) before I left, but then thought that she should read up on the regulations again first. So I have another meeting with her Friday (my third last one ever!). I think I can share with her then. I'm really really going to try. And then she can tell me all the right words to say to fix things, and help him, and help me.

I know I'll be leaving her soon, but I'm so hopeful about being able to speak of my situation IN PERSON to someone! (even if it is only once) I hope I don't cry the entire time. If only I felt stronger physically, I could endure all this better.

I know I'll still hate myself after. I know I'll feel guilty and cry-babyish. I know I won't be able to look him in the eyes for a long time after. But I want so terribly to feel part of a team or something - like someone's fighting with me, for me. It's not gonna happen with my medical diagnosis but maybe with this? I'm both relieved and terrified of Friday, but I'm running out of time with her office. And I'm running out of endurance within myself. It just has to go well on Friday. I need it to. I need something to help me get through another week, month, whatever.

This is good news right? I was so excited to, but I don't think it sounds as great having written it out. Maybe my words are just failing me a little. Oh well, thanks for listening to me ramble about all this yet again.
El


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:664245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/664245.html