Posted by ElaineM on July 7, 2006, at 15:34:15
In reply to Re: I took a small piece of advice » ElaineM, posted by Tamar on July 7, 2006, at 6:14:39
I saw my doctor this morning. When I sat down she said, if you need to have a guarantee inorder to say what you need to, then I can promise that as long as I don't hear a name, I'm not obligated to report anything. So then I took out two bunches of papers. One was her goodbye letter, and the other was all about my T and I.
I told her I wouldn't be able to speak without reading it, cause I was soooo nervous. I was shaking like crazy, and my voice was all vibrating and everything. I had to turn away from her, then I read her her thank-you letter. It was incredibly hard. I let her know that seeing her each week, during the height of the anorexia, was the only thing that kept me alive. That she was the first to reaffirm my faith in the goodness of people (particularily adults) - that they could be gentle and kind, instead of violent and cruel. I told her how she taught me a whole new vocabulary, and way of thinking, and that I know I'm a better person for having known her. And then I also thanked her for helping me as much as she has, trying to figure out, and teaching me to cope with, this other illness I have now. (I hate even writing all this now, I miss her so much I want to throw up)
The whole time I was reading I was so worried that she was reading her computer, or staring out the window and not actually listening, but when I got to the beginning of the "T" part I turned around and she was crying! Her face was all red and she was wiping her eyes with kleenex. If I ever wanted to hug someone, or have them hug me, it was then! I wish I had had the courage to ask for one. My throat hurts when I think of how I missed my opportunity. (I was supposed to be able to see her a few more times, but she told me that she'd be on vacation by then).
Then I read the part about my T and I. It was really just a bunch of the posts from some of my threads, and I added some of the other stuff I had been too embarrassed to have come up on the board. She said basically the same stuff as what all of you said - I expected that. She said that if it was something I wanted and got comfort and unconditional support from, then she said I shouldn't have both relationships at once, because he could get it trouble. And she said that she would be worried that because I'm in such a poor state physically, and cause I'm losing her, and don't really have any other people in my life, that that could create a huge power gap. That it made the situation have the potential for manipulation. ANd then she even said that she could understand how confusing it is for me, and that she couldn't blame me for latching onto the only constant thing in my life, amid all the other chaos and emptiness.
I only wish she told me what I should say to him to help him when he has troubles, or is very upset. She said, Even though I'm not supposed to give personal advice, please do not sleep with him, or let him pressure you. (though I told her that he wouldn't be so horrible) I felt like a dirty cow, but I know she meant to be protective. I told her I would never seek that out, but I have a hard time disobeying people, and that I would never want to provoke him into throwing me away, alone. I just want him to be happy, and never hate me, and always think I'm someone who deserves help and to have somebody to talk to. (She also said to not accept his requests to go on day trips together.)
She said that (although the rules prevent her from treating me) I could call her if I ever had a problem she could help me with. And she said she would like to keep the first part, that I wrote for her. She's so nice. She should be a T.
I can't stand missing her so much though. I feel like if I opened my mouth I'd start crying and never stop. I'm so sad. Sad because I care about her so much (which I guess is a good thing). I'm relieved too - she was exactly how a wanted her to be (minus the hug) But I guess after what I just threw at her, there was no way she was going to touch me.
It doesn't really change my situation. I still had my session after I left her office. I'll still have to deal with everyday stuff. But I don't feel the same amount of despair, or the same loneliness, that comes with having a secret un-shared. I just wish so much that she could be my doctor forever.
In the end, I'm happy with how it went. Thank you all for helping me do this.