Posted by Daisym on May 27, 2006, at 11:58:57
In reply to Re: I think I'm crazy (possible triggers) » Daisym, posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 6:45:21
Tamar:
This is a long, disorganized response to several things you said up and down this thread. I hope it makes sense in the end.
*******Yes, its true: I do need to tell him straight. But my heart sinks at the idea because I feel sure he will say all sorts of things that sound all right but that he won’t be able to persuade me that it really is all right. Grrr!*******
>>>>I think all he can do is keep reassuring you over and over again that it really is all right. After three years in therapy, I still cry when I have to leave half the time, I get freaked out about long weekends and vacations and there are days when I'm sure he is planning my transfer. But if nothing else, I've learned to ask. We talk about my need for reassurance a lot. I apologize but it took me so long to just admit that asking for this reassurance and enduring the embarrassment was so much better than longing for it in silence.
****Yeah, I tend to think it’s impossible for him to attempt to be constant and reliable, especially when he’s quite often late and he forgets things I think are important and so on. I think it would make more sense to acknowledge generally that a blank slate is an impossible ideal (except perhaps in psychoanalysis). He’s a human, not a robot, and he isn’t reading a script. He depends on his countertransference to make sense of some of my unconscious stuff. And that’s fine, but I think it means that some disclosure is necessary from him, at least about issues that affect the course of therapy. I don’t expect him to tell me his family history, but I would like him to be able to admit when things aren’t easy for him. Because, frankly, I’m pretty sure I can tell anyway, so he might as well admit it. If he keeps pretending things are fine when they aren’t it feels a bit like gaslighting.****
>>>My therapist noted a long time ago that I'm going to know faster than he does if he is getting uncomfortable with something or avoiding it unconsciously, at least most of the time. I think one of the legacies of trauma is that ability to sense a shift in mood. We just know when things feel different. And, I'm saying this as gently as I can, you aren't the only person whose "stuff" he has to keep track of. So if you want to go back to something, you really need to make it OK for yourself to do this. All that said, I would HATE it if my therapist was late a lot. I worry already that I'm at the wrong time and day. You have my sympathy around that.
****I guess I sometimes feel that I’m trying to bring him along with me. I want to be gentle with him when things aren’t going well between us, because I think we’ll probably work things out better if I play nice. But perhaps I’m falling into a kind of trap. Maybe I should be more direct, because I seem to be trying to take some responsibility for his emotions, and perhaps that’s not helpful in therapy.
>>>>My therapist would ask you, "Are you trying to take care of me?" He calls me on this all the time. By taking responsibility for his emotions, you have some semblance of control and maybe you think you will know how to titrate what you are saying to him. What are you afraid will happen if you don't play nice? For me it is being abandoned, or worse, having him lose it and yell at me. Showing the dark side is really hard, especially for those of us who are more or less proud of our intellect and think emotional women get a bad reputation.
*****Yeah, that’s exactly what I want to say! Stop using your boundaries like weapons. Stop using them to enforce distance. Just let them be. Make them out of rubber so that I’ll bounce off them gently. I need them there but I’m sick of knocking myself unconscious on them.
>>>>>So say that. Say it just like that. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I know the boundaries are there for a reason. But it still hurts to bump into them." I also remind him often that just because I understand them doesn't mean I like them. And he tells me that I can hate them as much as I want or need to, as long as we both agree to respect them. And here is the other thing, he once told me that it is my job to push on the boundaries and his job to hold them. But holding them doesn't mean pointing them out. It is more about walking the talk instead of talking louder and louder. Once in a while he will still put stuff out in a concrete way, and I always respond, "I already KNOW that...it just hurts and it hurts more when it is in my face."
*****P.S. I know just what you mean about being afraid to talk about things because of your fear that you will fall apart and that he won’t comfort you. And you will need to be comforted. So if he can’t hold you and let you sob on his shoulder, what can he do to help you find comfort within yourself? I think it’s about the need for safety. Maybe you need to feel that it’s safe to fall apart and that he won’t let it destroy you. So if offering you comfort isn’t possible (and my T wouldn’t do it either) what can he do? I’ve tested my T with some of it and generally he responds by becoming very emotionally engaged, and that helps. But I’ve found that I need to tell him how hard it is for me, because he really can’t read my mind. I have a habit of slipping some really profound stuff into the conversation as if it were no big deal, and he doesn’t pick up on how big a deal it really is, and then I feel abandoned. So I have to trust him before I can receive his care. It’s so hard!
>>>>Being emotionally held feels very good. But there is physical need for comfort and safety that is core to all mammals. It is an animal yearning. So it is important to find a way to get this need met so it isn't so big in sessions. I had a horrible time around the "no hugs" policy a few months back. My body image came into play -- you and I have talked about that. But what was really hard was that it was a very young part of me (hmmm, I originally typed him) that needed to connect and she didn't have the words. And we were working on old stuff and guilt about physical needs, so it was all very complicated. Another thing I still don't do well is allow myself to backup immediately when I get hurt or miffed. It is an automatic response to shield the real emotions and keep everything light and "OK" until I can sort it out in private. I think I do this because I don't trust that I'm having the "correct" reaction to whatever was said, or not said. And I know I'm really, really good at saying things in a matter-of-fact way, so they blend in with everything else. But I want him to be magic and know what is important to me and what isn't.
****I’ve thought about talking to clergy about the God stuff. But I’m afraid of receiving orthodox answers. I don’t want to be told that God loves me or that Jesus saves; I don’t find either idea helpful. At the moment I want to talk about faith in therapy because I want to talk about it as a relationship in my life rather than as a matter of theology. But maybe I’m running away. I like the idea of talking to a priest because of the meaning of priesthood in Catholicism. I’m Protestant and so a minister to me isn’t the same kind of thing that a priest is to a Catholic. And I think I want a priest. I want the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to be absolved. I’m supposed to believe in the priesthood of all believers (because I’m Protestant) but it’s not working for me right now. On the other hand, the first step in the sacrament of reconciliation is conversion, so perhaps I’m beyond the help of priests as well.
>>>>I hope you find someone to talk with about this. My faith is very important to me and I'm really lucky to have an older priest who isn't full of those orthodox answers. I think he has seen too much over the years to fall back on "Jesus saves" even though I know he believes it with his whole heart and soul. Having a relationship with your spiritual side is critical to healing. For a very long time I thought this part of me was sort of silly and I was embarrassed by it. But I've begun to see that it is another aspect of being whole and that my brain just doesn't have all the answers. Sometimes I have to just "be" -- and believe that there is path for me and a guide. I like having something to thank also for the good things in my life. And for those religious folks who don't believe in therapy, just in prayer, I sort of say, "then why did God give us the capacity to help each other at all?" As far as the sacrament of reconciliation, conversations can take place with God in your head. I think it is a given that he forgives for whatever you've done, but you have to forgive yourself too. I think you won't feel absolved until you do have some sort of a relationship to God. If you think about your own children, as much as you can get damn near hating them sometimes, that deep love and connection continues to exist. You would forgive them most anything, right? Allow yourself to be comforted from the ultimate parent, and the ultimate blank slate therapist. :)****so desperately want to allow myself to need what I need, even though I know he can’t necessarily give me what I feel I need. I only wish he would tell me outright that it’s OK to need him. Sigh.
>>>>>Indeed. So ask him. Ask for overt permission to need him. Everyone needs to hear things in a concrete way sometimes. Say exactly what you said here. I do this a lot -- I think I'm not supposed to need him "anymore." I wrote about that last week even. He reminds me that everyone needs someone to care about them and this is not only OK but healthy. Start with, "I know the limitations of the therapeutic relationship but there is a deep need for safety and right now you are my safe place. I know that you care about me but I want to know and really feel, that it is OK for me to need you. Tell him he is your emotional security blanket. Even adults need those.You will be OK Tamar. You have a deep connection with your therapist that I think is strong and calls up so much intense need that it feels like a tidal wave you will both drown in. You won't. It isn't easy but keep going. I want you to think about how you felt when he shook your hand. You said you realized at that moment that he would have been OK hearing about how you really felt. Give him the gift of your honesty. It is so scary. And so worth it.
((((Tamar))))
Sorry for the novel. In the mood to write today.
poster:Daisym
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649341.html