Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 6:02:40
In reply to Re: I think I'm crazy (possible triggers) » Tamar, posted by orchid on May 26, 2006, at 17:13:59
Hi Orchid,
> Your feelings very well could have changed. I feel every T relationship will bring out different stuff from us at different points - some adultlike, some childish, some monster like and some cutie pie like.
That struck a chord with me. I think I’d like to be a bit cutie pie sometimes but I don’t believe I can pull it off!
> I think what you are going through is the more teenager parts of it, and it is quite likely it is in response to you innermost needs which were not met as a teenager. And it is normal to feel different ways about our Ts at different times. It just means that different parts need to be worked out differently and attended to differently. The issue however is finding a T who is able to recognize it and willing to work through it and who is able to listen to what you are telling him *at that point of time*.
Yes, that makes sense.
> And as I said to HappyFlower, I think your T also has his limitations and lacks little bit of emotional depth and understanding needed to help you fully. Not that he isn't a good T, but I think he lacks little bit of expertise needed to help you. A person with more emotional understanding and depth would have been able to guide you more I feel.
Well, I suppose he’s only human. I guess they all have their limitations. I believe he’s capable of the emotional understanding and depth that I’m looking for, but I suspect he finds it difficult with me. But maybe I’m projecting.
> You are not wrong in expecting him to be perfect. It is very valid expectation on your part, especially when trying to work out through very emotional aspects. Rather it is wrong on his part, (or maybe incapability), to keep his stuff and emotions outside of the hour, and present a constant and reliable facade to you.
Yeah, I tend to think it’s impossible for him to attempt to be constant and reliable, especially when he’s quite often late and he forgets things I think are important and so on. I think it would make more sense to acknowledge generally that a blank slate is an impossible ideal (except perhaps in psychoanalysis). He’s a human, not a robot, and he isn’t reading a script. He depends on his countertransference to make sense of some of my unconscious stuff. And that’s fine, but I think it means that some disclosure is necessary from him, at least about issues that affect the course of therapy. I don’t expect him to tell me his family history, but I would like him to be able to admit when things aren’t easy for him. Because, frankly, I’m pretty sure I can tell anyway, so he might as well admit it. If he keeps pretending things are fine when they aren’t it feels a bit like gaslighting.
> By becoming distant sometime and becoming close sometime, he is confusing you (not intentionally of course). I agree with others that a person with more expertise on working with transference and psychodynamic types would have been better and not CBT. He probably doesn't have the necessary training.
I think he’s worked psychodynamically before, but I don’t think he does much these days. And I often wonder whether he’s in his current field of work at least partly because he doesn’t like (or feel comfortable with) transferential work.
> One thing you cann do to work around it is, maybe bring this post to him. And what other people have commented on it. And see what he says about it. IF he recognizes his own limitations, maybe he will able to find a way to get that strength within himself to help you out.
Yeah. I hope he’s able to do that.
> Remember though, that you are one of the dream patients any therapist could have. So if there is something going not well, then it is absolutely not your fault. What more can a therapist have than a patient with as much insight as you? And if he is not able to work with that to the full extent, then that is HIS limitation. I hope you don't bang yourself about your inadequacy.
I guess I sometimes feel that I’m trying to bring him along with me. I want to be gentle with him when things aren’t going well between us, because I think we’ll probably work things out better if I play nice. But perhaps I’m falling into a kind of trap. Maybe I should be more direct, because I seem to be trying to take some responsibility for his emotions, and perhaps that’s not helpful in therapy.
> And regarding talking about faith, I think your T might be avoiding it, due to fear of suing or legal action etc. I don't know how much Ts are allowed to talk about faith issues. Maybe asking him about it would break the ice.
Tee hee! I asked him about it a few weeks ago and he built a very high wall in record time. He didn’t want to disclose his own outlook, and that’s fine of course. But I’ve said that my relationship with God is as important as other relationships in my life and that I’d like to be able to explore it in therapy. I don’t want a theological discussion, but I would like to talk about what the relationship means to me, just like I talk about family relationships and work relationships. I think he’s allowed to talk about it but I think it’s a problem for him. I think he’s afraid of saying something that might be theologically heretical, but I’m not afraid of that at all.
> If he doesn't listen to your saying that you know he has boundaries and are not trying to push it, maybe just be blunt with him. Tell him something like, "look, I really do know you have those boundaries, and I damn well know it. Just don't keep repeating it" - or something like it.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I want to say! Stop using your boundaries like weapons. Stop using them to enforce distance. Just let them be. Make them out of rubber so that I’ll bounce off them gently. I need them there but I’m sick of knocking myself unconscious on them.
> Also at the end, I think a more psychodynamic or more emotional T would help. It is hard to make an cow do a horse's job or vice versa :-).
I love the idea that it’s hard to make a cow do a horse’s job! I will remember that in future!
Thanks for your support and ideas.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649242.html