Posted by fairywings on April 19, 2006, at 18:14:03
In reply to Re: need support and suggestions please, posted by happyflower on April 19, 2006, at 16:48:12
Thanks for the support and suggestions, I appreciate it. Like ladybug, for at least 2 years I"ve been telling my husband that something just wasn't right...but I could never tell exactly what it was. I trusted him and never thought he's get involved with someone else. Over the past 3 years, several people from his office warned me about her - how she acts when she's with him, how much time she spends in his office, "how" she talks to him and about him. But I never felt threatened - she just seemed too over the top.
He is good to me - he's kind, he's never raised his voice to me, and he helps out around the house. We've been married 20 years, but until I saw the 1st T - last June, we hadn't had a date - hadn't been out in at least 5 years, probably more. (my fault for not insisting)
People asked what my T thinks....when I went to him I had no idea why I kept getting depressed or why I was so angry. There's more to it than just this problem, but my T thinks I had trouble seeing what's going on bec. my husband is a nice person, and bec. I don't want to see it. I've had trouble facing it because I have trouble separating the good person/bad things. I think my T saw problems b4 I did...pointed out how some stuff wasn't "right", and how men "should" treat women - He had a real problem with the fact that on our 20th anniv. there was no gift, not even a card. He had a problem with my husband going on vacation and not feelng guilty about leaving me behind. There's more...but you get the idea.
I haven't attacked this woman, but I've complained about certain things. She tells him really personal information about her feelings and her life - I think she intentionally "appeals" to him as a confidant. I think she knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted to go out to lunch alone with him, and he didn't understand why it upset me - after I got mad he said he wouldn't go. He slipped last week and told me they did go. She learned to play golf, and then they played - he saw it as just another golf game. But then they played with my daughter, I found out, and that was TOO much. She calls frequently at night - tells me there are problems at work. On shadowing day she told my older daughter talking to my husband is the best part of her day. There are so many other things.....I can't believe I was so blind, and just sat by and let it all happen.
When the lightbulb finally went on for me, and I confronted him, he admitted he does care deeply about her. I think it happened b4 he realized what "hit him". I don't think he intended to give her so much more emotionally than he gives me - there's just time to do it at work. Life at home is chaotic with 4 kids, esp. since there's quite an age spread, and the youngest has behavioral problems. Her life probably seems simpler....like a break from reality.
Am I jumping the gun? Could it all be innocent? Am I over reacting? I don't think so, but I guess he could be that naive.
Thanks,
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:634788
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/634883.html