Posted by caraher on April 19, 2006, at 15:03:47
In reply to Re: need support and suggestions please, posted by B2chica on April 19, 2006, at 12:51:55
So apparently I'm dense because of my Y chromosome... well, I'll just have to cope as best I can...
What's life like at home? It's easy to get so caught up in the whirl of dealing with kids, etc. that there's simply much more opportunity to get to know a co-worker than a spouse. When I first started in therapy we had young children and my chief recurring complaint about home life was that I'd come home from work and we'd put the kids in bed and my wife would go to sleep immediately. (She had no employment outside the home, preferring to concentrate on the important work to be done there!) Little wonder we sometimes felt like strangers! We briefly did some counseling together during which she balked vociferously at the suggestion of committing to spend 15 minutes a night "being adults" after the kids went to bed.
Then a few years later she decided an online friendship of mine was something much more... That I wasn't as involved in my own spouse's life as I could be. And while she didn't say it in so many words, I was "clueless" about what an emotional betrayal it was. But that the silver lining was that by snooping on my chat logs she learned that I really do have an emotional life. Somehow my longstanding, repeated failed campaigns to spend some "quality" time together added up (in her mind) to my being aloof and seeking emotional fulfillment elsewhere.
The main thing you said that's disturbing is that he refuses to go into counseling with you. But when you say "he's defended her" you seem to imply that you've been attacking her. If he genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong of course he defends her! And if you've taken an accusatory stance it could be that he balks at counseling out of sheer defensiveness.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you feel hurt... I know it must be awful. And I'm not trying to say you shouldn't feel that way, or even that your suspicions are unfounded. But after all the "men are clueless" remarks I thought a reminder that there can be two sides to these stories would be in order...
poster:caraher
thread:634788
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/634827.html