Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 0:09:40
But I'm really very afraid that I'll just make things worse. I think I have been struggling... For the last couple of months really. There has been a lot of excitement and nervousness and stuff wound up in there too, but I have been struggling as well. I think I've been struggling for close to three months now.
And in the last week or two... Or maybe even longer... Things have been getting pretty bad. Been having a few really very bad days per week. I mean really very bad days. Stay in bed all day kind of days. In a really very foul irratible mood. Crying. Lots of that. Memories. Lots of those. And getting caught between the past and the present. A lot of that too.
And it is impacting on my work quite significantly. I'm not really getting very much done.
But my only option... Is to go and see someone from the councelling services here. And I already know that that is supposed to be short term oriented problem solving focused where the biggest concern is to get you working.
And me. And the nature of my issues... That isn't really going to be all that helpful I don't think. And lets say best case... Someone agrees to see me regularly long term. Lets say that happens and we get on and stuff... It might make things a bit worse as even more memories etc come up. WHich might mean my functioning disintegrates. And I can't afford to let that happen.
And lets say I go along to see them and they just emphasise the short term thing? That will hurt me so very much. If I go and they aren't very sympathetic. If I go and they just want me to get the hell out of there to get the hell away from them.
And I'm really scared.
People have said to me before that I shouldn't be trying to do this (the work I"m doing) given what is wrong with me. But I really want to do it. And if I mess it up :-( :-( I won't get another chance :-(
But I feel really scared.
And I feel like I"m spinning out of control. I do feel like that. Like I"m spinning out of control. On the boards too (for example). Spinning along...
And not doing so good :-(
And I think...
I need to get some help IRL.
To try... But I'm terrified. 'Cause if they aren't sympathetic... There is nothing to be done but to power on best I can. And if worst comes to worst... Well how likely is it I can power on over the next three years? I don't know.
I feel really scared and I"m not sure what to do.
poster:special_k
thread:626962
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/626962.html