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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 0:09:40
But I'm really very afraid that I'll just make things worse. I think I have been struggling... For the last couple of months really. There has been a lot of excitement and nervousness and stuff wound up in there too, but I have been struggling as well. I think I've been struggling for close to three months now.
And in the last week or two... Or maybe even longer... Things have been getting pretty bad. Been having a few really very bad days per week. I mean really very bad days. Stay in bed all day kind of days. In a really very foul irratible mood. Crying. Lots of that. Memories. Lots of those. And getting caught between the past and the present. A lot of that too.
And it is impacting on my work quite significantly. I'm not really getting very much done.
But my only option... Is to go and see someone from the councelling services here. And I already know that that is supposed to be short term oriented problem solving focused where the biggest concern is to get you working.
And me. And the nature of my issues... That isn't really going to be all that helpful I don't think. And lets say best case... Someone agrees to see me regularly long term. Lets say that happens and we get on and stuff... It might make things a bit worse as even more memories etc come up. WHich might mean my functioning disintegrates. And I can't afford to let that happen.
And lets say I go along to see them and they just emphasise the short term thing? That will hurt me so very much. If I go and they aren't very sympathetic. If I go and they just want me to get the hell out of there to get the hell away from them.
And I'm really scared.
People have said to me before that I shouldn't be trying to do this (the work I"m doing) given what is wrong with me. But I really want to do it. And if I mess it up :-( :-( I won't get another chance :-(
But I feel really scared.
And I feel like I"m spinning out of control. I do feel like that. Like I"m spinning out of control. On the boards too (for example). Spinning along...
And not doing so good :-(
And I think...
I need to get some help IRL.
To try... But I'm terrified. 'Cause if they aren't sympathetic... There is nothing to be done but to power on best I can. And if worst comes to worst... Well how likely is it I can power on over the next three years? I don't know.
I feel really scared and I"m not sure what to do.
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:44:28
In reply to I need to do something..., posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 0:09:40
are you on any medication...maybe give that a try along with counseling. i think you should give it a try. but remember you don't have to stay with the first person you meet with. they say it takes an average of 3-4 T's before you find the right one for you. it took me a while but once i did, he was the best. and as hard and unbarable as it was at times, i'm SO glad i did. it's not easy but i think in the long run (if you have the right T) it is worth every moment.
keep posting here. we care. and you are Not alone.
b2c.
Posted by milly on March 31, 2006, at 9:59:29
In reply to I need to do something..., posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 0:09:40
Oh special K, I'm so sorry you are scared and confused.
I think what b2 said was really good advice.
that spinning out of control feeling is no fun and very scary (I know because I managed to lose my job during one of those last year!)
try and get some help and keep posting, we care
((((((((((specialK))))))))))))
milly
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 10:20:10
In reply to Re: I need to do something..., posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:44:28
> are you on any medication...maybe give that a try along with counseling.
i've got some diazepam prn. i've taken it maybe twice in the past week. maybe 5 days apart. but i'm a bit worried about it (have a history of drug abuse etc). last time it worked really well. i guess i was wound up into a right state and it really helped relax me. this time... it didn't work quite so well. i guess because it was more of a sad / painful feeling than a wound up feeling. sad / pain is consistent with feeling relaxed while anxious isn't i guess :-(
> but remember you don't have to stay with the first person you meet with.
er... well... i do really. because my only option is to go along to uni councelling services and see what they might be prepared to offer me. i can't even email them because they don't do emails (they say they don't trust they are secure. that is their official story anyway). i think the saying 'beggars can't be choosers' might apply here... i don't even know if you get any say in who you see. i think they just assign you someone. because... it is meant to be done on a 'once off' kind of basis. go with a particular problem... and you might get a few sessions out of them. but i guess that is it. that is what they are designed to do. and there has been a cut back in student services fees... so i'm figuring that may well mean a cut back in services (starting next semester) too.
> keep posting here. we care. and you are Not alone.
thank you ((((b2c))))
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 10:24:10
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » special_k, posted by milly on March 31, 2006, at 9:59:29
hey. thanks. i'm still not really sure what to do... in a way it feels like... i don't have anything to lose. but then in another way it feels like... i have an awful lot to lose.
i have no idea what to say to them...
anxiety / depression might be the best bet.
the memories?
the ruminations?
i don't know. that stuff... and i'm starting to sound like a longer term case... one they will probably be quite anxious to bundle out the door. i'm feeling really very sensitive to rejection at the moment... i don't think that would go down very well right now. and if it happens... there isn't anyone else i can turn to... i don't know. i don't know that the risk is worth it... but i'm feeling like i need to do something... because i'm f*cking things up. i am. and the downhill slide...:-(
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 10:27:56
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » B2chica, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 10:20:10
anytime ((((((((special k)))))))
and you may want to mention to your doc about substance abuse in past and your concerns with valium, maybe he can offer something else?
sorry your in a situation that you cant really choose your T. but maybe it will work out for the best.
b2c.
Posted by stickywicket on March 31, 2006, at 11:59:02
In reply to I need to do something..., posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 0:09:40
depression = indecision
Take action. When I was at my lowest, I could not make any decisions. You have to force yourself to seek help even if you're unsure of the outcome. Any action on your part is better than doing nothing.
I empathize with the work stuff. Staying employed is so important to me; feeling like I'm valuable to someone. If you feel you can't handle the added stress of working, can you ask for a medical leave of absence so you can pursue therapy?
Posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 13:00:27
In reply to Re: I need to do something..., posted by stickywicket on March 31, 2006, at 11:59:02
That sounds so rough on you. I"m sorry you're going through it.
Have you considered going to the uni counseling service to help you FIND a therapist? There may be some sliding fee agencies, or schools where you can see an intern nearby? That is a shorter term issue, which they're more geared towards, so maybe that would be a good option? Or maybe there are some sort of "therapy scholarship" programs around you? Some foundation that gets tax credits for sending folks from the university to longer term therapy? There must be something that can help -- while you are unique, you're certainly not the first person to walk through their door who needs more than they are set up to do. They probably have a list of resources for this sort of situation. It's worth going in and talking to someone there, even if they can't help you, they can at least point you in the right direction, and maybe arrange to hold your hand as you take your first steps towards it.
I'm so sorry, I know you've got it rough, and I hope that the uni counseling center cna help you.
Posted by milly on March 31, 2006, at 13:51:44
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » milly, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 10:24:10
** Oh (((((((((specialK)))))))))))))) I'm sorry you have got it so tough at the moment.
> hey. thanks. i'm still not really sure what to do... in a way it feels like... i don't have anything to lose. but then in another way it feels like... i have an awful lot to lose.
**because you are not as well as you could be making these decisions is even tougher but it is part of not being well (at my worst I couldn't decide anything, tea or coffee? forget it, it would just seem too big a thing to work out)
> i have no idea what to say to them...
** you probably wouldn't need to say much at all
> anxiety / depression might be the best bet.
> the memories?
> the ruminations?
> i don't know. that stuff... and i'm starting to sound like a longer term case... one they will probably be quite anxious to bundle out the door.**they are there to care I would be very upset if they would do that
> i'm feeling really very sensitive to rejection at the moment... i don't think that would go down very well right now. and if it happens... there isn't anyone else i can turn to... i don't know. i don't know that the risk is worth it... but i'm feeling like i need to do something... because i'm f*cking things up. i am. and the downhill slide...
** Yep you need to do something, I didn't and I f*cked it up well and truely last year, lost my job and evrything just because I didn't get help in time.
> :-(** I know you don't have the luxury of choosing your T, I didn't either (they are allocated in the UK) but it has been better than fine for me.Keep posting, we care
milly
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 19:11:04
In reply to Re: I need to do something..., posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 10:27:56
thanks. your support means a lot.
i'm trying to avoid getting to the doctor...
(need to pay close to full price on visits and scripts now which makes long term meds... not really an option)i dunno.
i dunno.meds didn't really seem to help me very much before. just have the valium prn for an episode basically. something to knock me out and let me get some sleep is the idea.
i need to think about the councelling services here... need to think... if it doesn't go well... that is what terrifies me. and i'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. and i think it really would affect me. i'd feel a lot better being able to sort things out via email. but looks like that isn't an option. maybe i should try and find some email addresses anyway and give it a try.
thank you
((((((b2c))))))
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 19:15:14
In reply to Re: I need to do something..., posted by stickywicket on March 31, 2006, at 11:59:02
>You have to force yourself to seek help even if you're unsure of the outcome. Any action on your part is better than doing nothing.
thanks... i guess... it is more about my going and asking for help and getting a reception that goes a little like this:
'what do you expect us to do?' or
'your kind of situation isn't really what the services here are intended for' or
'so what is it that is stopping you working then' (fill in this little questionairre and lets look at number one)i don't know. i just don't think they will want to have anything to do with me.
>If you feel you can't handle the added stress of working, can you ask for a medical leave of absence so you can pursue therapy?if i get a medical leave of absence (i think this is an option for up to one year) then my understanding is that that is unpaid leave. hence... i'd have to leave the country. and go back to my home country. my home country where i go back on welfare and where therapy still isn't an option.
i'm sorry.
thanks for posting.
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 19:22:29
In reply to Re: I need to do something..., posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 13:00:27
> Have you considered going to the uni counseling service to help you FIND a therapist?
no, i hadn't thought of that. i don't know how that would go... maybe that is the way to go about it. and then maybe if there isn't any thing... maybe they will take pity on me. this is so pathetic. i am so pathetic. i'm sorry. i'm really not doing so well. i've fairly much given up hope that a therapist will actually be able to help me anyway. not very many people in the world seem to be able to even understand me. and that is really hard for me. i don't get on with very many people. honestly... the ones i've gotten on with have been more psychodynamic trained... i've had it up to my eyeballs with CBT. and i'm scared about the DID stuff. i'm really very scared :-( i don't know what to say... my old p-doc seemed to think i should take the clinical assessment i got done and show that to somebody (the dx interview where i was dx'd with DID) but... i do believe i've thrown it away or ripped it up into a lot of tiny pieces or somesuch. i don't know what to do. :-(
but the time has come to do something. thanks fo ryour suggestions. maybe i should just be up front. i guess my biggest worry is mentioning the DID thing... i worry that they will want me to get the hell out of there (part of the reinforce it away school of 'treatment') or that i far exceed what they can offer...
and maybe...
that i should go home.
that i can't do this.
and maybe they'd be right. what was i thinking?
i don't know :-(
feel scared :-(
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 19:29:16
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » special_k, posted by milly on March 31, 2006, at 13:51:44
thanks milly.
i guess... it will be about seeing how i am on monday... i need to do some work today.. but all i want to do is sleep. things are pretty bad. and... i don't have anyone to talk to except the boards (which shouldn't be sneezed at) but i don't know what to do...have health insurance but it is so basic (and the only upgrade seemed to be on aromatherapy and physiotherapy and all this sort of stuff that didn't matter to me... more than five hundred per year i think for up to five hundred per year for psychotherapy. and then restrictions on who and how often and how much you had to pay per visit and maximum charges and it is so confusing for me).
:-(
why is it like this for me?
i don't understand.
:-(
and pre existings not covered in first year anway...
and i'm guessing psych meds... count as pre existing.
as do anti inflammataries...
and anything i could want from the doctor really.
and the point?
emergency.
emergency ambulance and hospitalisation for up to 30 days (no psych hospitalisations in the first year)
no pre existings in the first yearsorry to go on...
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:17:10
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » milly, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 19:29:16
I wish I had something useful to offer you, but I just don't.
But I do offer my support, and a shoulder if you need it (although I've been a raving lunatic as often as not the last few days).
I hope you're able to find somethng to help.
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 21:20:14
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » special_k, posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:17:10
> I wish I had something useful to offer you, but I just don't.
hey. thats okay. i know i'm very draining :-( because it is hard to know what to say :-( i know i used to post a lot of the 'saga' to psychology... the whole trying to get a therapist thing. it used to be so hard for me. there would be hope and then it would be gone and i'd be so very upset so very upset. and then there would be hope. and round and round i would go.
and i know he was blocked and shouldn't have been posting... and i know a lot of people felt hurt by a lot of what he said...
but scambuster really helped me work through some stuff and come to believe that i really didn't need a therapist and most therapists do more harm than good and i don't need one and i don't want one.
and i can almost believe it... most of the time... but truth be told i've been looping out rather since my last block here... transference... memories... back to when i was a kid. and i've been struggling a lot since then. a lot. and it is getting on top of me. and thse boards have helped me so veyr much and i don't know what i would have done without them... really i don't. but i think i need to get some hlep irl too because otherwise this sh*t... is going to lead to my getting blocked again and i might loop out really bad... need to try and get some help irl need to try and process some of those memories... the memories.. those are what is killing me. the memories and the ruminations and the feelings. and it is so hard.
but then in therapy... waht are the chances it is gonna be helpful to talk about this stuff anywasy???
> But I do offer my support, and a shoulder if you need it (although I've been a raving lunatic as often as not the last few days).
thanks dinah
((((((((((((((((dinah))))))))))))))
sorry i haven't noticed you being a raving lunatic...
i was too busy being one of my own...> I hope you're able to find somethng to help.
thank you.
me too.
Posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 21:35:12
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » milly, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 19:29:16
>
> and pre existings not covered in first year anway...
>
> and i'm guessing psych meds... count as pre existing.
>
> as do anti inflammataries...
>
> and anything i could want from the doctor really.
>Actually, no. I thought that, too, when I finally got insurance after my husband got a new job. Turns out, "pre-existing conditions" aren't as simple as that. They have a list of conditions that can be pre-existing. Depression is not on the list, nor is arthritis, Type I Diabetes doesn't seem to be on the list, either. The List seems to be mostly things like cancer, HIV, etc -- very expensive things with a relatively shorter course rather than chronic conditions. At least, that's true over here in the States. Dunno if it's like that upside down :^)
Listen, SK, here's my advice: do try the university center, and see what they can offer. You're in a bad way right now, and that's coloring everything for you -- it certainly does for me, and I'm sure most all of the people here at one time or another. Even if it looks to you right now as though there's nothing they can do for you, that's just not true. Maybe they can help you there, maybe they can help you find treatment elsewhere, and there is a point to therapy. It can help, and it can help a lot.
Good luck, SK, and I hope things go well for you.
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 21:56:04
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » special_k, posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 21:35:12
>Dunno if it's like that upside down :^)
um. they say 'no pre-existing conditions for the first year' and then they have exceptions... The exception seems to be psych conditions. But there they go the other way... ALL psych conditions count as pre-existing in the first year. I'll have to check re: meds...
But they said no hospitalisations for psych conditions in the first year (they seem to want to avoid someone say with schizophrenia getting a hospitalisation for say a psychotic episode - which strictly speaking would count as a seperate condition hence not pre-existing)
!!!
I think 'life threatening pre-existings' like... diabetes treatment actually is covered...
I'm not toooo sure. Health insurance doesn't subsidise anything available over the counter either. So anti inflammateries are available over the counter, as are cold and flu tablets, as is hayfeaver medication, as is asprin, as is... most things really. sigh
And I pay first $30 on each script...
Then they pay between $30-$50...
Then I pay anything over $50...So the insurance isn't worth sh*t really...
Just emergency ambulance and hospital (not psychiatric in first year) really...
Sigh.
> do try the university center, and see what they can offer. You're in a bad way right now, and that's coloring everything for you -- it certainly does for me, and I'm sure most all of the people here at one time or another. Even if it looks to you right now as though there's nothing they can do for you, that's just not true. Maybe they can help you there, maybe they can help you find treatment elsewhere, and there is a point to therapy. It can help, and it can help a lot.
Yeah. Okay. ((((Racer)))) thank you.
Posted by Deneb on April 1, 2006, at 0:31:40
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » Racer, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 21:56:04
(((((((special k))))))))
I didn't know things were still that bad for you. I'm glad you can talk about it here.
Sorry about your insurance situation. That really stinks.
I agree with Racer with going to the uni counselling centre to see if they can provide you with a list of counselling services that use a sliding scale.
In the meantime, keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.
Deneb*
Posted by special_k on April 1, 2006, at 1:39:17
In reply to Re: I need to do something... » special_k, posted by Deneb on April 1, 2006, at 0:31:40
hey.
thanks.
just checked out their webpage and yeah, they really are into time limited to ensure 'equal opportunity for all'.
but they do refer on.
i guess i should go anyways and see what they have to say. just scared is all. i don't want to go back on the hope no hope rollercoaster...
This is the end of the thread.
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