Posted by mair on February 21, 2006, at 17:12:36
For reasons a little too involved to repeat, my T asked me about the Board yesterday and we drifted into a discussion about why I so rarely come here. At first I stated the reasons that I've always told myself: too little computer access at home, too busy, etc. But as I explained all this to her, it dawned on me that there were a couple, more compelling reasons.
First, as the result of a pretty awful and lengthy relapse last year, I now see my T 3x a week. We increased the frequency of my sessions last May or June. I'm doing much better now and we've talked about dropping that 3rd session but thus far my T has tried to dissuade me whenever I've brought it up. As the result of seeing her so much, I just think I'm less isolated in my depressive thinking. So I just haven't been drawn to the Babbles in the same way that I have been at other times.
The other explanation, which is frankly much more to the point, is that I found that I was always comparing myself too much to other babblers - always unfavorably, and comparing my relationship with my T to the relationships others seem to have with their Ts, again all unfavorably. Lots of times I'd leave here feeling more upset, certainly not because of anything anyone said and not as a reaction to one of Bob's controversial moderating decisions, but always because for any one of a number of different reasons, I'd feel unworthy, or deficient, or ashamed or I'd start questionning the work my T does with me. Essentially, exposure to the Babbles started stirring up alot of the more negative thoughts I have about myself.
As anyone had a similar experience?
mair
poster:mair
thread:611812
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/611812.html