Posted by Voce on November 28, 2005, at 12:57:58
In reply to Re: ALL/I'm in same boat/HUGE difference in men, posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:14:34
Sorry, I can't let this soul mate thing go uncommented on. I think, Happyflower, that your relationshp with your T is very different from what mine was, just because you say you know as much about him as he knows about you. That's a lot of info to know about a T, considering that we tell them about our rotten childhoods, our fears, weaknesses, vulnerabilities and secret dreams.
I remember thinking that my T was the perfect man, my soul mate. Granted, I didn't know anything about him except his first and last name, and the town in which he lived. And that he was terribly kind, gentle and compassionate. We connected in an intellectual level and and our minds worked a lot the same way. When I would take a rabbit trail on something, or speak vaguely or in metaphors, he was always able to keep up with me.
But sometimes I try to imagine, on a very specific level, how we would have connected outside the therapy room. If I had ended up married to him, I wonder if we could have communicated like that given the trials of life, fiances, kids, and then there's the fact that two different people always see things differently. And of course the usual male/female differences. I think it would have been different just because IRL, there isn't time or energy to communicate on that intimate, personal level that works well in the therapy room. In therapy, there is always time to analyze and re-analyze.
The other thing too, is that in the therapy room only MY needs were considered. His sole purpose was to help and validate me, never mind his personal opinions abour what I was doing with my life. I can only imagine how it would have been different had we gotten married. We would have had his feelings to deal with as well when it came to career choices, family issues, money, sex, and our marriage.
As far as my fiance, we communicate pretty well, but it's much harder than therapy a lot of the time. We have to say how we are feeling honestly, but keeping in mind the other's feelings. There are things I don't share with him because there wouldn't be any point. As opposed to therapy, where I shared everything, even my feelings about him, which weren't always, shall we say, complementary.
Happyflower, I don't know enough about the details of your therapy relationship to really comment on it, but at least you've made me think long and hard on this issue. As far as soul mates go, I don't know if I believe in them, but I think my fiance and I are the closest thing to soulmates that exist. But only through a lot of hard work, because it hasn't always seemed like we were.
poster:Voce
thread:582451
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/583000.html