Posted by B2chica on November 16, 2005, at 11:51:49
In reply to Re: is it real....possible trigger » B2chica, posted by allisonross on November 16, 2005, at 10:58:27
> i had a session with my T yesterday, i don't think it went well. i started off by telling him i was feeling afraid of him.
> What did he say about that? he should have responded.he asked if anything set that off, how long i've been feeling that. he was a few mintues late and asked if that's what did it. (it didn't...i don't think) he said i need to show my anger and that he can handle it (as long as i don't get physical)
> > when i left his session i was ticked, went home and still ticked and starting to get exhausted. then it hit and all i could do was stare to i went to bed and listed to music....MAN did i ever want to cut, i even told T that i was going to, and in my mind there's nothing he could do to stop me.
> What was his response to that?for the firs time there was little response, he said what can we do so you won't cut. then he cut off the session and said he had to return that call that he got so didn't walk me to front office like he usually does. by then i was really ticked and wanted to cut REALLY bad!
>
> when i was on my bed listening to music if i could have moved i would have gotten a knife and started in but it's like i couldn't even move, then i started to cry.
> > my T said something that i remembered and it triggered crying. he said i have a lot to grieve about.
>
> it sounds as if you do. I understand. I have a lifetime to grieve.i don't feel as thought i have a right to grieve.
> > then the thoughts started and i wanted to post this last night.
> > this is how i feel now.
> > is this real? did these things that i've talked about really happen and happen to me? did i imagine it? did i make it up? i want T to tell me he doesn't believe me and that i made it all up. it doesn't seem real. i want him to say i'm lying. it feels like i am. i just don't think i can stand it if it was all real. the feelings are scaring me. i need someone to hang on to.
> > please tell me you understand?
>
> I do, sweetie: How can I help?just be here...listen. please don't get tired of me talking. i really need this place. i feel like i need to see him 5 times a week. if only i had tons of money...i would.
i'm scared of my fear and anger.
> look right at it, walk through the pain.......that is the 1st step in the journey to beginning to heal. it is scary, difficult work, but well worth the effort, sweetie!
>
> Try to be gentle with yourself...little baby steps, a little at a time.......think of yourself, if you can as your own best friend. How would you treat her?that's a problem. the same rules that i govern for myself i don't apply to others. others have a right to grieve, to help, to nondestructive behavior. i deserve to be hurt, injured, damaged and thrown away.
> > unsure of everything.
b2c> I understand that.
thank you, but i'm beginning to feel more helpless and hopeless, thus worthless.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:579277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/579320.html