Posted by daisym on October 2, 2005, at 15:23:22
In reply to Re: Shame new trigger » daisym, posted by antigua on October 2, 2005, at 6:47:54
But a part of you knows that you can't shut up, that it's coming out for a reason and you want help with it, no matter how hard it is.
***Is this really OK? I DO want to tell my therapist all the stories, all the little things and I want him to know all about the fear. I wrote this whole thing about darkness, what is scary about the dark, what kind of dark is OK and what happens in the dark. After I gave it to him I felt stupid. I might need to go through all the details but certainly he doesn't. He gets it: lots of bad things happened. He knows the list of acts and I think he has filled in the rest of the blanks. Sometimes I think I'm torturing myself by going through it like this, punishing myself somehow. I don't want to punish him too.
I know some people would tell me that maybe it's time to get another T. She is wonderful to me, or at least tries her best, but I still can't let her all the way in. Sigh... I just don't think I am capable of doing that. Except with a man, and that always turns out so inappropriately. I jump to trust based on a fantasy of my good father.
***I think I get this. I'm beginning to understand that I unconsciously chose a man because my mom didn't keep me safe. I asked my therapist if he thought I could do this work with a woman and he said yes, but it probably would have taken a little longer. On the other hand, maybe learning to trust another woman would have been a good thing. I have set up several scenarios where I put my therapist in the role of my mother and yet keep him powerless to "save" me -- but he pushes through these things and insists on being with me even if he can't "save" me. This is a huge difference.
I'm just surrounded by triggers of my good father at the moment. It was his birthday and we did have a good relationship before his death (before I really understood that even the simple things I remembered were csa), but I can't seem to see the "evil" one, the one who did all the damage.
***Birthdays and other significant dates are really hard. I have had a good relationship with my dad for the last 20 years or so. It is really hard for me to be around him right now but I miss him tremendously. Funny thing is that when my therapist tries to get me to talk about the good things my dad did with me I just can't. The pain is HUGE and I end up in the fetal position not breathing. Don't get that yet...
Today I feel so hopeless that I will ever get there. It's just not coming out, and as I've said before, there is this huge black hole of something that I don't remember and I trust that when I face it, life will be better.
***Maybe not. Maybe the reason you haven't been able to remember is that there is too much pressure about it being a cathartic event. I mean I honestly don't know, but it sounds like you have been telling yourself that if you could just remember this one thing...you could break free from the grip it has on you. The truth, harsh as it is, is that we can't ever really be free from it because it is our history. We can learn to live with it and loosen that killer grip, and somehow I don't think knowing all the details makes it easier to do this. Perhaps the answer, and again I don't know, is to deal with it as a whole. Believing in your heart of hearts that you were abused, that it was awful and that yes, your dad did it, is the work that has to be done, I think. There are days when I think, "that just can't be right. I'm remembering it wrong. He couldn't have done that, especially on purpose." I had one of those defining moments a month or so ago -- I looked at my therapist and very, very quietly said, "what happened to me was bad, wasn't it?" And he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "yes, what happened to you was awful." No punches pulled, no softening, he just said it. But I needed to hear it. I keep telling myself it wasn't really that bad - so many other people suffered so much worse. I think somehow you might need to do that for yourself too. Details or not, what happened to you was awful. And not your fault. And given all that, it is still OK that you loved your dad.
Sorry to be so blue
((((antigua)))) -- Nothing to be sorry about. I hope this doesn't sound too much like a lecture and honestly I think I wrote it as much for you as I did for me. I wish I had more than words to offer.
poster:daisym
thread:560850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/561980.html