Posted by alexandra_k on August 18, 2005, at 23:07:41
In reply to Attachment, posted by alexandra_k on August 18, 2005, at 18:44:14
Its hard to admit...
That she loved me.
Because then my hatred isn't so justified.She did a lot of things for me.
Taught me how to read as soon as was humanly possible
Spent a lot of time with me on that
Priorities were always a roof over our head
Food on the table
Adequate clothing
Books and stuff for schoolBut aside from that...
And I suppose I dwell on the bad
Because it justifies my hatred.I think...
We were just a bad match
Both emotionally intense
We brought out the worst in each other :-(I don't talk about this
Because I focus on how much I hate her
But I do see her from time to time
One time she grabbed me and said she was sorry for all the bad things she had done
I know she has no earthly idea of the things she has done to hurt me
She has no earthly idea
There is nothing I can say to make her understand
And even if I could
What good would come of it?
It would only hurt her.I said 'its okay'.
'I forgive you'.
And I figure...
Forgiveness is a process
And one day I hope to god I don't hate her so goddamned muchI don't ever want to inflict myself on another human being
The way I felt she inflicted herself on me
And when we are stressed
(As I am quite often)
We revert to what is in our history...
And so I don't think I'll ever be able to trust myself around kids.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:543620
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/543735.html