Posted by alexandra_k on June 29, 2005, at 1:09:24
In reply to Re: grr, posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2005, at 21:59:28
I’m sorry. Really. I just have a hard time figuring out how to look at things sometimes. I don’t want to be the victim, though. Really. So… Here goes.
I know that you really are very busy with what you do. I see that you are supposed to be available to take crisis referrals with the time that you spend in the community. That that is why you needed your cell / pager. And so that is hard because there is a conflict of interests between giving me therapy and doing the job that you are supposed to be doing. And that giving me therapy is more than the job you are supposed to be doing. And so… It really was very good of you to take me on. And I see that you did that because you did feel bad for me because nobody else would take me on. And that you were honest about that. Painfully so, yes, but then sometimes the truth can hurt and I really would rather you were honest than lying – and so I really should say that I appreciate your being honest about that. Even though it hurt.
And that you really did try to help me the best way you knew how. And that that meant trying to get me into Ashburn, and then getting the funding for the external assessment, and then in trying to get me funding to see someone. And yeah, I had to chase you up sometimes. But then I do understand that you really are very busy. And that all of that stuff was much more than anyone has done for me for a long time.
And I see that I gave you a pretty hard time because of my general frustration. And then we kind of got into this really unhelpful pattern of my attacking and your getting defensive and I’m really sorry about that. And I’m sorry about resorting to the ‘but you said…’ stuff. I knew I shouldn’t have done that – which is why I didn’t do it till this point. But I shouldn’t have done that at this point either.
And anyway… I just wanted to say that I really am genuinely very sorry.
I felt hurt that I knew you didn’t really want to work with me. I took it personally. I really try to not take it personally, but it is hard for me.
I also wanted to say… It has never crossed my mind to complain to anyone else about your treatment of me. Really. Like I said, I do appreciate that you helped me out far more than all the other clinicians who wouldn’t even see me for a single session.
I guess it is hard because for a while I figured that in the worst case scenario where the funding didn’t come through things wouldn’t be so bad because I’d get to work with you. And I figured that we would be able to work things out. But I guess I realised that my working with you was not optimal – mostly because your working with me did seem to conflict with your other work obligations. And that was why I thought it would be better for both of us if I saw someone else. But I was shattered when that changed and you said you weren’t going to see me anymore. Out of the blue like that. And then I got really frightened about the funding decision. And then that turned out to be worst case too…
I’m sorry things ended as they did.
I’m sorry about those emails.
I was frustrated. I didn’t mean to lash out.
I’m trying my best to deal with it.
Its ok. You don’t have to respond.
I won’t email you again.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:520334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/520914.html