Posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2005, at 18:09:04
In reply to Re: grr, posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2005, at 17:50:56
Ok. So the first email went...
'>The referral has not been all processed yet.
Sorry, but what does that mean?
>It will be best to await a response.
I'm really not sure that that would be best. As I said, I have had the experience of being taken off the wait list and not being informed of that. In my experience it is best to chase things up at fairly much every available opportunity because if I do not then nothing gets done. For all I know someone could have sent a letter to an old address and then written me off when I failed to show...
>I will speak to the team leader.
Yes, please. I really do not understand what the hold up is.
Are you able to pass xxx email address on to me? It would be convenient for me to discuss things with her via email rather than phoning to try and arrange a time. I would like her to inform me of my available treatment options - given that I have a right to treatment and all...
I have to say... And I know this will upset / annoy you but I have to say... That I am really very disappointed the way things turned out between us. My untimely termination etc etc. I hate to get into 'but you said... but you said' and so I have refrained from doing that but... But you said you would work with me if things didn't turn out with external funding. You have said before that you fairly much can do what you like (I understand within limits) but I also understand that you aren't taking up your new post till August and that you bloody well could continue to see me even after that if you chose. You dumped me at the worst possible time. And you know that. You do.
But it isn't about me anymore...
And it never really was. Don't get me wrong, you did a lot for me. A lot more than most with the assessment. But now... Well, all that really buys me is a sh*t of a pre-existing condition. And now... With respect to treatment I really can't decide if I am in fairly much the same place I have been for a while, or whether I am actually in a worse place now. I really can't.
I also want to say... That your comment about my not working in therapy (that you made when I was in hospital) really was most unfair. And to say 'I'm sorry that you feel that way' really doesn't cut it much because it shows absolutely no understanding or comprehension of what it was that I considered unfair. Basically... I did try really hard to work with you. I turned up. I did my best to answer your questions to the best of my ability. I really tried the best way I knew how. Which is more than I observed with you for a long time, I have to say. And then... And then for you to say that I didn't even try to work so I would be fine working with a councellor who doesn't have a clue about mental illness and who is used to seeing people for a max of three sessions... Well that got to me. And to say that you based that comment off my file history doesn't really help your case much either, because you also try and tell me that you don't judge me on my history that you take me as you find me in my interaction with you. But that is crap, isn't it. Crap. And yeah, I'm mad, and hurting, and confused. And sometimes I wonder if my biggest mistake... If my biggest mistake was to call you on all that sh*t about not turning up and leaving your phone on etc. And to have said that I'd prefer to work with someone else. If you took that personally. Because I took your behaviour to be giving me a really strong message 'I do NOT want to work with you'. Because all the problems I had with you leaving your phone on etc. Well, all those problems were textbook stuff really. Text book stuff on how to show a client that you respect them. And you know that. And I know you know that. So your not making an effort to do that (untill I called you on it a couple of times) gave me a really strong message that you did not respect me and you did not want to work with me. And I figured that wasn't something that was likely to change... So I would be better off trying to work with someone else. But I can't help feeling
like my making that decision... Was what resulted in me ending up with nothing.I should be... I really should be leaving the country in January. Or next August at the latest. If the absolute worst comes to worst I'll be moving out of this district by the end of next year anyway. So you see the appeal really is of no use to me. And I don't believe that it will work in other peoples favour by setting relevant precedent. I don't believe that because I don't believe precedent becomes relevant until an inquirey is launched anyway. It doesn't help me.
And I don't know what to do.
And you just suggest that I wait...
But then... People will forget about me. Like they already did over this past month or so.
Other peoples lives carry on.
And it is so very easy for them to just forget about me'.
And he responded:
I choose not to get into this discourse.
I will get Eileens secretary to e-mail you as I am not sure if I am allowed to provide you with her e-mail address.
Goodbye
And the second one I sent...'And it is hard. It is hard because I really do believe that you are kind hearted and well intentioned. And that you really did try to help me. But I guess the general issue is that most people do believe that I should get help. So long as they don't have to be the one to help me. Or the one to pay for it.
I just go round and round in my head trying to figure if things could have turned out differently. If I hadn't said anything about the things I was finding hard with working with you. If I had have said that I didn't want to work with someone else, if I had have said that I wanted to work with you.
I don't know.
You said you were trying to keep things light. That you didn't want to get into anything too deep with me when I was going to be working with someone else. I tried to respect that and then you threw it in my face that seeing as I didn't talk about anything significant anyway I may as well see a councellor.
I don't understand.
I'm sick enough to need to see a specialist.
To be referred to someone with experience in treating this sort of thing.
But then all of a sudden I'm supposed to be well enough to be able to get by with a councellor.
I don't understand.And the day you terminated me out of the blue like that...
The same day you were really happy with news of your promotion
I was going to tell you that I didn't get into the US. That was a big deal for me.
But I was left feeling like I was ungrateful for not being happy for you.
For your news.
It was about you.
And you just wanted me to get the hell away from you
Without creating a scene.
Bring in the witnesses
(please don't make a scene)
It didn't matter how I was
How I felt
When I left.
It never does.I'm just supposed to curl up in a hole somewhere
or something
Untill someone feels like bringing me out for an hour.
I started seeing the councellor from uni
When you left for a month.
Without getting anyone else to help me then.
(Just curl up somewhere and don't create a scene)
Nobody would see me.
I get that that is the problem.
But I don't understand just what it is about me that is so very repulsive to others.
Well. Sometimes I do think I see that.I don't understand what I am supposed to do'.
And he said:
Please direct your concerns to xxx or xxx.
:-(
I messed up - didn't I.
Backed him into a corner.
How did I expect him to respond to that?
Crap.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:520334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/520698.html