Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 21:25:06
In reply to Re: Taking a break for couple of days. » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2005, at 20:40:26
But how do you know you are a good person? And how do you know if you are being a good woman? That is why I go to extreme extents to be there for others.. to be a good person and a woman.
For soem reason, I always believed I was not a good person - from childhood I remember somehow I always thought of myself as not good. Everybody used to say I was good and nice.. But I always thought of myself as being bad, and arrogant.. in fact when I was in college, during the farewell, I was voted as the nicest person in the class. I never understood shy.
And I never know if I am feminine or being a woman. I always have trouble understanding that.. and my new T says that was caused by the way my fahter treated me - he intiially treated me like a tom boy, and always made me cut my hair like men, and wouldn't let me dress well - not wear jewellery or anything. And he would always make me wear very loose clothes, so there would be no shape.. And he used to say I was too smart for any man.. that nobody would like me, and that if I get married they would abuse me and slap me etc etc. He even used to kind of playfully slap me many times, saying that I needed to learn to be able to take it, becuase my future husband would beat me up anyway. All sorts of conflicts like these.
And I used to feel so ashamed about sleeping with him, he used to sleep on top of me, even when I was 14 or 15.. and made me sleep on top of him several times. And I would always help him dress himself, and would always be with him.. Even if I was playing with my friends, he would come and ask me to come with him and play with him. Several times in front of others, he used to carry me and hug me, and hold my hand, and I used to feel so damn ashamed. I thought he meant well, I still think he meant well. But I was extremely confused about my own body.. and I think those are the times you start developing your sexuality, and he should have withdrawn himself from being too close to me, and let me explore other ways of expressing it. Instead I feel he used it all to satisfy himself and didn't keep the boundaries with me. And I feel so very ashamed of my body even now.
And I think all these created huge conflicts and confusion and shame.. and I really don't know what it means to be a good woman and I tend to take all the blame on myself.
poster:pinkeye
thread:495224
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/495783.html